Lord of the Things The Fellowship of the Thing
by Hobbit-eyes
Summary: The Dark Lord Moron is set to conquer the world and *durn durn durn* make them do history for GCSE! Only one person can stop her... Clodo, Jam, Ferry and Alippin, who set out 2 Bordor to destroy the Thing of Power! Please R+R! Dear Legolas, its finished!
1. Concerning history, Things and butt ugly...

The Lord of the Things  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters, but I am very much like a hobbit; I'm not very tall, I have MASSIVE blue eyes which freak my friends out, and LOVE to EAT. Especially shrooms.  
  
Three were given to the boffs, who were very bright, Seven were given to the bitches, who always put up a fight, Nine were given to the chavs, who above all desired boys, And made fun of those who still loved their toys, But in the land of Bordor, where evil cackles ring, With a "Mwahahaha," Moron made another Thing, One thing to carry out the plans, which were carefully made, If found, return to Moron (the package is prepaid).  
  
Prologue (the bit which helps you make sense of this weird story of mystery, the unknown, lies and deceit - and that's just Kandalf's homework)  
  
It began just as it says - with the Things of Power. In the first term of Middle School the boffs were bored, and started mucking around in the chemistry lab. Along with arsenic, a smallpox virus and several nuclear bombs, they came up with the Things of Power. They kept three, but gave seven to the bitches and nine to the chavs, hoping they wouldn't bully them anymore (hahahaha - that'll work).  
  
But Moron, the mistress of all that was evil in the world - history - got angry when she wasn't given one. So out the stuff in the lost property cupboard at the top of Mt. Waterflume, she made the One Thing to rule them all of the others, and make them do history for GCSE.  
  
She confiscated three of the bitches' Things of power, and the other four were destroyed in a cat fight. She swayed the chavs into her power, kidnapping them on their way through town and brainwashing them with many GCSE Bitesize tapes, and they became even more evil than before - if that's possible. But the three boffs were away at chemistry camp, so they stayed free, and when they heard of what was happening they went and stayed at Riverstour, Berkwood and Lothloreal.  
  
Moron's power was spreading, so the girls and boffs led an attack against Moron. She was defeated by Izzybore, who cut off the Thing with his father's light sabre which, ironically, ran out of battery right afterwards. Izzybore should have cast the Thing into the lost property cupboard, but hey - it matched his Prada jacket. He kept it, but was ambushed by Children in Need. Forced to donate it to charity, the Thing was lost.  
  
Concerning Fobbits  
  
Fobbits are a small glitch in evolution, believed to be a mixture of boffs, girls, bitches and the lesser spotted Berkwood capybara. No-one is certain of their origin, but the main theory is that the boffs who created the Things of Power also created fobbits in Biology. This would support the theory of why the fobbits were also sent a Thing of Power, which was recalled for factory repairs after each person who wore it sprouted tentacles and another head if it was worn at a full moon. There is another theory, but I'd like to keep this book 12A.  
  
Fobbits live in a small part of Middle School, in the north west, near the Crispy Mountains and Berkwood. It is called the Mire, and contrived its name from the fact that the area is 88% swamp; it is a dare among teenage fobbits to walk across one mile the Mire wearing a blindfold. Needless to say, the most common cause of death is drowning.  
  
Fobbits are very unremarkable creatures, and have nothing to distinct them from other species aside from the fact they are about half human height, and have a strange fascination with chocolate and gum. They do nothing remarkable, apart from astound scientists with the fact that heart disease is lower in the Mire than in Fondue. But in the Third Term of Middle School, five fobbits put their species on the map...  
  
  
  
The Finding of the Thing (not really finding - the no-good-dirty-rotten- pilfering of the Thing.)  
  
The Thing was found by Bellum in an 'Everything for 10p' bin in a charity shop. She loved it, and retreated to the Crispy mountains, where she sat in a cave eating takeaway Chinese food with her 'Preciouth'. But one day, something weird happened. The Thing escaped from Bellum (hitchhiking on various rats) as it had heard Moron was rising again. On its way to Moron, it was found by Albo Leggings - a fobbit. She was on her way with some bitches and Kandalf (a recently graduated witch from Hogwarts, who enjoyed entertaining her friends with her fireworks, card tricks and the ability to guess who would win Pop Idol) to take care of a dragon who had behaved in a very disorderly fashion at a disco.  
  
But Albo had got waylaid at Topshop, and somehow ended up inside a wedding cake being delivered to the Crispy Mountains. She was looking for a way out because she was being pursued by a very angry couple of urk newlyweds; she had chosen a very unsubtle time to burst out of the cake. Also there was no reception in the cave for her mobile, which she was using to call a taxi. But she ran into Bellum, and Albo bored her half to death with a thrilling account of their journey so far.  
  
"All wight, all wight!" cried Bellum, after 45 minutes, "I'll thow you the way out, jutht thut up!" Bellum pointed to a luminous sign saying "Exit this way".  
  
"Dude, safe!" said Albo, and scuttled off back down the corridor. Bellum went off to her bedroom grumbling. But when she got there, she realised the Thing was missing. As Albo texted Kandalf, she heard the screams of Bellum:  
  
"You thtink, Leggingth! You thtink! You took my Preciouth!" 


	2. An ultra koolies party

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or any of the characters, but I know Legolas will come for me one day.  
  
Thanks for all de reviews! They're KOOLIES! Please R+R *puppy dog eyes* I'll be upset if you don't.  
  
The Fellowship of the Thing  
  
Clodo and Kandalf were carefully preparing for Clodo's auntie Albo's birthday party. She was going to be 18, which was very old indeed for a fobbit. Yet she still looked like she was supposed to be in Year 9. Kandalf puzzled over this, but then again she puzzled over everything.  
  
Everything had been prepared - Clodo had hired a bouncy castle, and people peered out of their common rooms as Kandalf rode into Fobbiton, her cart stacked with bars of something, from which a chocolatey aroma rose. People puzzled over what Kandalf had brought, and also how with such a heavy burden Kandalf did not sink into the quagmire. Truly this was a miracle. All were excited, especially Albo, who had something planned.  
  
Many of the younger fobbits had started hanging around outside Leg End, hoping to see what was to come in Albo's party, but Albo merrily sent them running for the hills in fear.  
  
Clodo's friends Jam, Ferry and Alippin had all been invited, and spent most of their time hanging around at Leg End, helping to put the balloons, party hats and black widow spiders in the party bags. They were looking forward to the party, because Clodo had invited the boy's school down the road from their school. But they weren't so much looking forward to the speech Albo was giving. Albo had to be the most boring speech giver in the land of Middle School, even though she had taken numerous speech and drama exams.  
  
Only half of the village of Fobbiton was invited, but Clodo wasn't surprised to see that many gatecrashed on the promise of Bacardi Breezers. They were to be disappointed - Kandalf's mum had turned up and told them the dangers of drinking. They had to be satisfied with a bit of Kandalf's mysterious cargo, which turned out to be chocolate, much to the surprise of all - Kandalf had always been good at befuddling the senses of deception.  
  
Jam danced with half the boys, and got mobile numbers from most of them. Alippin stuck to eating the chocolate, along with most of the other guests. Ferry was on the bouncy castle with Clodo - Ferry seemed to 'accidentally' fall on the boys with astounding regularity. Kandalf was being pursued by several fobbit children, who were screaming "Chocolate, Kandalf! Chocolate!" Albo was telling her stories again. She soon stopped when half of the listeners fell asleep ('They're just tired!') and stood up to make her speech.  
  
"My fellow fobbits" she began, and everyone began to listen, "I have prepared a small speech of appreciation." Everyone stopped listening. She rambled on about the saintliness of friendship, and how glad she was everyone had come. The guests gave up trying to look attentive, and openly snored. Finally she said the word chocolate, which made everyone listen again.  
  
".And I hope everyone has been enjoying the chocolate which Kandalf has provided" (Kandalf blushed and said she had a contact at Thorntons), "I thank you all again for coming. I wish that I could give you each one of my brain cells, so that yours wouldn't be so lonely." The fobbits thought about this for a long time afterwards, trying to figure out whether there had been an insult in there somewhere. Albo continued dissing them.  
  
"But I'm eighteen now. I'm finally blowing this juke joint. Ciao." With that she vanished. The whole of the assembled party gasped. But she quickly reappeared. "Oh, and I'm taking the chocolate with me." She disappeared again, and so did the massive pile of chocolate. Everyone screamed in terror, and there was uproar as they searched for the chocolate - no one noticed the footprints leading from the table, or a familiar four fobbits high tailing it away towards Leg End, chocolate stuffed in their pockets.  
  
Back at Leg End they were all having a good laugh, while they gorged themselves upon the chocolate. "Thanks guys," laughed Albo, "I needed to play one last trick."  
  
"But how did you vanish?" asked Clodo.  
  
"Oh, that's just a little someTHING I picked up on my journeys with Kandalf. Y'see-"  
  
"Night!" said Clodo loudly, and they ran into Clodo's bedroom before Albo started another anecdote. Kandalf turned to Albo and said,  
  
"Albo, you need to give up that Thing. It doesn't do you any good, you know."  
  
"Kandalf, I don't particularly see how it's any of your business," pointed out Albo, "as it's my Thing, and I'll do with it what I want."  
  
They were interrupted by some high-pitched giggling from the bedroom; the younger fobbits were having a sleepover.  
  
"But Albo..." whined Kandalf, "You don't know what it is."  
  
"Yeah I do," said Albo, "Duh, it's a THING."  
  
"Wow. Your powers of deduction astound me. This is not just any Thing," said Kandalf, "In fact, it is nothing like anything I've seen in any other Thing."  
  
"Y'wha?..." said Albo, "You're trying to confuse me again. So whaddya want me to do with it?"  
  
"Give it to Clodo," said Kandalf, "She's expendable... ah, I mean, she'd like it. It is her destiny to have it."  
  
"Kandalf, you've got to stop saying 'It's your destiny' to get your way," said Albo, "I mean, it would sound impressive if earlier today you told me that it was your destiny to have the last choc chip muffin, and it was my destiny to do the washing up."  
  
"OK, OK," said Kandalf, "But just give it to Clodo. It's time you set out to Riverstour, and the Thing will just weigh down your luggage. Remember, it gets heavier the further away from Fobbiton you get."  
  
"Oh yeah..." said Albo, and rubbed her nose thoughtfully. 


	3. Three's cheerful, four's koolies, unless...

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or any of de characters. By the way, my best friends are the main characters in this, and I'm Kandalf, wheee! I warn you now - this story is getting crazier.  
  
Next morning Clodo, Jam, Ferry and Alippin got up and went into the kitchen for poptarts, but found Kandalf sitting there.  
  
"Morning," said Kandalf, "I've eaten all the poptarts, by the way." Jam, Ferry and Alippin sighed and went home to have some - if fobbits have to choose between being with their friends and eating, they choose eating. After they had left, Kandalf locked the door. Clodo sat down and grabbed a piece of toast. Kandalf sat down. "Clodo, Albo left for Riverstour late last night. She's left you Leg End, all of her possessions and - the Thing."  
  
Clodo gasped, "Not - the Thing! I mean, groovy about everything else, but... the Thing? She loves it!"  
  
"Aye, but laziness conquers us all," sighed Kandalf. "But there is something you must know. You have heard the legend of Moron?"  
  
"Duh. Walt Disney made an epic of it."  
  
"Then you know of the making of the Things of power, and that Moron made a master Thing, and nearly conquered Middle School, but was defeated on the slopes of Mt. Waterflume by Izzybore with his low battery light sabre?"  
  
"Um - yes."  
  
"You mean no."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What, you mean yes?"  
  
"No."  
  
"No?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What? Anyway, you must know - this is the One Thing, made by Moron, in Mt. Waterflume."  
  
"Really, hmm," said Clodo, eating a sausage.  
  
"Aren't you astounded by this news?" said Kandalf.  
  
Clodo looked up from her breakfast. "Ummm... should I be?"  
  
Kandalf sighed impatiently. "Clodo, Moron is stirring in Bordor. History is back on the National Curriculum. The Bee Gees are back on 'Top of the Pops'. And it's my destiny to have the last sausage," Kandalf said quickly, and grabbed it off Clodo's plate. "The Dark Forces are spreading from Bordor."  
  
"And what does that mean to me?" asked Clodo, gazing sadly at her now empty plate.  
  
"It means," said Kandalf, "That Moron is gathering strength. If she gets this Thing, she will rise again, more terrible than before."  
  
"Oh," said Clodo, trying to look worried, and failing miserably, "so?"  
  
"So?!?" exploded Kandalf, making Clodo jump, "If Moron rises again, it will be the end of life as we know it! She will conquer the world, destroy all that is good, enslave us all." Clodo looked blank. Kandalf sighed. "And get rid of chocolate."  
  
Clodo screamed in terror. The Apocalypse was nigh. She grabbed the Thing, which she hung next to the door on a paperclip chain, and ran out of Leg End. As Kandalf expected, Clodo came back after about thirty seconds and asked Kandalf "You don't happen to have a map, do you?"  
  
Kandalf lent her the Atlas of Middle School, and told her to go to the inn called 'The Drunken Donkey'. "It's in the village of Free. I'll be waiting for you there." said Kandalf.  
  
"Sounds easy," said Clodo, "Why don't you go?"  
  
"Ummm..." said Kandalf uneasily, "Life is like false teeth. The holes in Swiss cheese are someone else's cheese. Beware the Tides of Starch."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind," said Kandalf, shoving Clodo in the direction of the door, "It just means you're going, so there. It will be a difficult journey; take a friend along. The forces of Moron will be looking for you. Don't use the name 'Leggings'. If you must say your name, say that your name is... umm... well, use your imagination. And one more thing - to get into Free, you've got to be on Lib."  
  
"But the elections aren't for weeks!" cried Clodo in dismay.  
  
"Eh," said Kandalf, slamming the door, "That's not my problem."  
  
As Clodo went down the path, she ran into Jam, who had been hanging around outside hopefully ever since she heard there might be more poptarts.  
  
"Hey Miss Clodo," she said eagerly, "Are you going to get some poptarts?"  
  
"No," replied Clodo, "I am going on a terrifying adventure to save the world and I may not return."  
  
Jam gasped. "Are you going to go and tell the headteacher that we think the Christmas lunch turkey is actually chicken?"  
  
"Nooooo... I'm going to Bordor."  
  
"Ooooh, neat," said Jam, "Will there be poptarts there?"  
  
Clodo shrugged. "I guess so..."  
  
"Can I come?" Clodo glanced down at the check-list Kandalf had given her for a friend to take along: expendable, smart, puppy dog expression. Check, check, check.  
  
"Jam," she said, "As the oldest fobbit present, I feel I must say something about your decision."  
  
"Oh - what?"  
  
"SAFE!" Jam and Clodo celebrated by each eating a family sized bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk (in five minutes, in a typical fobbity way), then headed off to Alldays to get some supplies and life insurance (they had a feeling they might be needing it). While they were there, they ran into Ferry and Alippin, who were both carrying the shop's entire stock of Aeros and gum.  
  
"Hey dudes," said Ferry. "Whatcha doin?"  
  
"We are preparing to go on a journey of no return to destroy all evil," said Clodo, grabbing some Dairy Milks off the shelf.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Really, hm, how interesting..." said Ferry.  
  
"If we fail, there will be no more chocolate," said Jam, looking terrified at the very thought.  
  
"Dear cod!" cried Ferry, dropping her gum on the floor, "No chocolate? Will gum be safe?"  
  
"I'm not sure," said Clodo. Ferry wailed at the horror of the days ahead.  
  
"Can we come?" she asked, picking up her gum and walking over to the checkout, "We want to save our Aeros. And gum. Mmmmm... gum..."  
  
"Whatever," said Jam.  
  
"But," said Clodo, "It is very likely that you will die, and if you do return, have undergone such a transformation you will not recognise yourself, and you will probably be terribly injured."  
  
"Your point being?"  
  
"There's no chocolate stops on the way."  
  
"Well, if you put it that way."  
  
"Aww, come on." moaned Clodo, "Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase?"  
  
"Oh, awright," said Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
They agreed to meet at the refectory after the Simpsons. As they had no cash, they decided that they would each bring something from home for the journey.  
  
At 6:30, there was still no sign of Ferry and Alippin. They finally turned up at 6:45.  
  
"Sorry," said Ferry, "We stopped to watch Buffy. Thought it might be useful."  
  
"Ohhhhh.I'd forgotten that was on," moaned Jam, "What was it like?"  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"OK," said Clodo, "Who brought the first aid kit?" No answer. "The infra red equipment?" No answer. "Emergency rations?" No answer. "OK. what did you bring?"  
  
"Sandwiches," said Jam.  
  
"And some chocolate," said Ferry.  
  
"And gum," said Jam.  
  
"Mmmmm...gum..." said Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"That's what I brought!" said Clodo, "So for our trip to save the world from Moron and all that is evil, all we have are four packs of sandwiches and chocolate."  
  
"But our breath will always be minty fresh," said Jam. Ferry cheered.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin. Suddenly Kandalf bounced up on her tamed kangaroo.  
  
"Hey dudes," she said, "Ready to go? Got everything?"  
  
"Ummmmmm - we're-"  
  
"Cool," interrupted Alippin.  
  
"Oh, good, I was worried you'd only bring sandwiches," said Kandalf, looking intensely relieved.  
  
"Ummmm..." said Clodo.  
  
"Because there is no way you could perform this feat without more then sandwiches," grinned Kandalf.  
  
"Errrr..." said Jam.  
  
"But I guess you're smarter than I thought, Clodo," smiled Kandalf, "Only an idiot would only bring sandwiches."  
  
"Well," said Clodo, becoming very interested in her shoes, "The good news is, we didn't only bring sandwiches."  
  
"We brought chocolate and gum too! Mmmmm...gum..." piped in Ferry.  
  
"Why do I bother." moaned Kandalf, whacking her forehead with her staff.  
  
"What are you doing here?" asked Jam, "Are you coming with us?"  
  
"No, I must go and meet the head of Geography club Sarumeanie," said Kandalf, applying ointment to the area of her head from which a cactus was now sprouting, "He is wise... okay, he's smart... all right, he may not be in MENSA, but he's smarter than you bunch of weirdoes."  
  
They all grumbled because now they'd have to carry the sandwiches and gum themselves (they figured the chocolate would vanish pretty quickly).  
  
"Hurry though - Moron will soon be aware that you have the Thing." She hopped away. The fobbits set out immediately, after washing their hair, watching the Star Wars trilogy, getting more sandwiches and chocolate, and a quick game of Monopoly. 


	4. The Fashionable Rider

Chapter 4: The Fashionable Rider  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or any of the characters.  
  
Thanks for all de koolies reviews! I've just had a cold, and they really cheered me up! And you never know when I might get another, so KEEP REVIEWING!!!! Oh, and u can send suggestions for what happens next. I'm not promising it will happen, but still.  
  
They set off on their long walk. None of them had ever been to Free, but had heard of it. Free was the chief village of the Land of the Free, and housed over fifty Starbucks, thirty New Looks, and ten Multiplex cinemas. But since it was such an amazing place, you had to be on Lib to enter. Clodo, Jam, Ferry and Alippin had their names down to be on Lib, but had yet to be elected. They wondered how they would get in. Maybe they would have to resort to giving up their chocolate. Clodo hoped they wouldn't have to resort to that.  
  
After five minutes they were exhausted and sat down to eat their sandwiches.  
  
"This is hard," panted Jam, applying blister plasters.  
  
"Yeah," moaned Clodo, "My feet hurt."  
  
"Stop moaning, Clodo," said Ferry, unwrapping her cheese and pickle sandwich, "You can't be that tired, because you're talking. It's not that bad."  
  
"Oh yeah?" said Jam, trying to sound threatening through a mouthful of tuna, "How do you feel, Alippin?"  
  
"Cool," she wailed.  
  
"That ain't anty, pal," said Clodo, "We still have a long way to Free. I don't know how we'll get in. We don't have Lib ties."  
  
"Maybe we'll find someone to help us," said Ferry, hopefully looking at Jam. Jam shook her head.  
  
"Doubtful," said Jam, "Very doubtful. Doubt there's anyone around here... the new Harry Potter film came out today..."  
  
Suddenly the forest around them went silent. Far off they could hear high- pitched giggles and a steady chug-chug-chug of a motor. They were filled with the feeling of female intuition, and ducked behind a bush. The giggles and chug-chug-chug got closer.  
  
A girl on a micro scooter came around the corner, wearing lots of makeup and hoop earrings that dragged on the ground. Worst of all, her fashion sense was abominable - having not been able to decide what to wear, she seemed to have worn every item in her wardrobe so that she could strip off should the fashion change. Also she wore a large black overcoat, so should she (horror of horrors) be caught out wearing NOTHING fashionable, she could throw her coat over the top and say that she was being a grunger for the day. It was less shameful.  
  
She stopped right beside the bush where they were hidden, and peered through as if trying to see if someone was hiding there. As she got closer, Clodo was sickened by an intense wave of perfume. She grabbed hold of the Thing, and nearly put it on, knowing it released air freshener. Suddenly the girl squealed and jumped back onto her micro scooter. After she'd gone, Clodo and Jam clambered out of the bush. While Jam was trying to coax Ferry and Alippin out, Clodo saw a sign on a tree which had caused the girl to zoom off: 'SALE AT TOPSHOP - 50% OFF ALL ITEMS.'  
  
"What on Middle School was that weirdo?" cried Ferry, finally emerging from the undergrowth.  
  
"I don't know," said Clodo, "but she was definitely not a fobbit."  
  
"Duh," said Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin, picking leaves out of her hair.  
  
"Ummm... Miss Clodo?" said Jam nervously, "I guess I kinda should have told you about this earlier. When I arrived back at my house to pack my bag, my mum came in and asked where I was going.  
  
"'I'm going to destroy all that is evil in the world,' I replied.  
  
"'Who with?" she asked. I said I was going with Clodo Leggings. 'Clodo, eh?' she replied, 'Ain't that a coincidence? While you were at Clodo's house, a stranger came round. Maybe that's what she wanted. She was looking for Clodo, I think.'  
  
"I felt a bit nervous after my mum said that, cos of what I'd read in that pamphlet about the Forces of Evil you gave me, Miss Clodo. So I asked what the stranger was like.  
  
"'Oh, she looked pretty normal,' says my mum, 'Had the usual body, number of limbs and glowing red eyes. No distinguishing marks. But she was wearing too much make-up for me to see her face. She said something, but she sounded to chavvy for me to make out quite what she was saying. Sounded like "Awright, luv? Mire... Leggings...".  
  
"'Dire leggings?' my mum said, 'Yes, they are a bit dear. They're soooooo out of fashion right now.' Then my mum says that the stranger screamed in terror, and ripped her leggings off, and burnt them with her cigarette lighter. Then the stranger turned to my mum and said, 'I was never here!' And goes off on her micro scooter! Whaddya make of that, Clodo?"  
  
Clodo was in fact very worried. This girl was obviously looking for her. Maybe she was servant of Moron. Or maybe Clodo hadn't returned a video to Blockbusters. Either way she was in grave danger, for the person would never stop hunting her.  
  
"I don't know we can do about it," she sighed, "Not much, I'm a'thinkin."  
  
"Duh," said Jam and Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"But we cannot continue down this road," said Clodo, "If there is a sale at Topshop, there will be a large crowd. We do not want to be seen."  
  
"Duh," said Jam and Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"We should head for the Luckyberry ferry, then cut through the forest. I doubt she'll expect us to that way."  
  
"Duh," said Jam and Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Shut up," said Clodo.  
  
They continued down the path. Now night was falling, and the fairy lights in the trees turned on. Ferry looked around.  
  
"I'm tired," she moaned, "Can we stop somewhere?"  
  
Clodo glanced around the glade. In the distance they saw the twinkling lights of a Holiday Inn, a Bed + Breakfast and a campsite.  
  
"I cannot see anywhere suitable," she sighed, "we'll just have to sleep under this tree." All of the fobbits grumbled and unrolled their sleeping bags. As soon as they were tucked in, they heard chug-chug-chug and "Hee- hee-hee!"  
  
"OH NO, IT'S THE FASHIONABLE RIDER!" screamed Ferry.  
  
"It's getting closer!" screamed Jam.  
  
"Cool!" screamed Alippin.  
  
"Shhhh," said Clodo, "If we keep quiet, it'll just go past us."  
  
"Oh yeah, right," said Ferry, "You just don't want to get up."  
  
"That's true," said Clodo, "But she might not even be looking for us."  
  
Suddenly the scooter burst into the clearing. The Fashionable Rider squinted through her heavy eyeliner, and caught sight of the fobbits. With a cackle of glee, she grabbed her mobile and said "Yeah, I've found them... they're underneath a tree... you want me to get rid of them? Yes? No? Make your mind up... god, you can be so annoying..."  
  
"Still think they're not looking for us?" whispered Jam.  
  
"OK, OK," said Clodo, "You've made your point. Here's what we'll do. We shall retreat 5m, pretend to come back, then turn, accelerate in a south east direction, wait until she starts heading that way, turn 180°, and head towards the minor transportation system across the inlet of water."  
  
"Ummm..." said Jam.  
  
"What?" said Ferry.  
  
"JUST RUN LIKE HELL THAT WAY!" screamed Clodo.  
  
"Well, you could have just said it like that..." pouted Jam. They all sprinted towards the ferry, closely followed by the girl. They soon saw it ahead, accompanied by the sign, "Luckyberry Ferry, try your luck!" They headed towards the men with the microphones.  
  
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have our first contestants!" one of them beamed, "I'm Dant, he's Eck, and you've come to join us at Luckyberry Merry Ferry!"  
  
There was a large amount of cheering and whooping from a massive, enthusiastic, non-existent crowd.  
  
"So lets have you two as contestants.." - he grabbed Alippin and the Fashionable Rider - "Answer your question right to earn a free trip across the river! Now you..." - he glanced at Alippin's nametag - "'Cool', here's your question. What word goes with these: Bag, Person, and Top?"  
  
"Cool!" squealed Alippin excitedly.  
  
"Thaaats riiiiight!" beamed Eck. "Now your question, errr..." - he glanced at the Fashionable Rider's badge - "'Hot chick'. What is the heart rate of a 37?-year-old male killer whale, 52.2 miles outside the Arctic circle who ate 2.347 million plankton an hour and 41 minutes ago, who has been swimming at 32 miles per hour for 3.86 hours and whose speed is increasing at 0.37% per second, and has a relatively high blood sugar?"  
  
"Erm," said the Fashionable Rider.  
  
"Sorry, time up!" beamed Dant, "'Cool', you've won a trip for four on the Luckyberry ferry, and a free T-shirt!"  
  
"'Hot Chick'," said Eck, "You've won a dip - in the Gunge Pool!" A siren went of as some burly fobbits came along, grabbed the Fashionable Rider and threw her into a massive tub of gunge. The Fashionable Rider's shrieks echoed around the glade as she was swallowed by the voluminous goo.  
  
"Thanks for playing folks! See you next week!" said Dant and Eck. A fobbit came over and handed Alippin her T-shirt and tickets for the ferry. They ran over to the ferry, and pulled up the moor rope just as the Fashionable Rider hauled herself out of the pool, and stumbled, dripping and cursing and texting, back to her micro scooter.  
  
"That was close!" said Clodo.  
  
"That was weird," said Jam.  
  
"Duh," said Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin. 


	5. Why you should always have Teletubby toy...

Chapter 5: Why you should always have Teletubby dolls with you  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own of the LOTR characters or the film etc etc  
  
Next chappie's up! I know this isn't in the film, so if you just want to read the film, skip straight ahead to chapter 7.  
  
They got off the ferry, and headed along the path which said 'To the horrible, eeeeeevil forest'. Jam looked around nervously. Eyes, lights and switchblades seemed to gleam through the darkness. Jam jumped at every snapping twig, hoot of an owl, and small explosion somewhere in the forest.  
  
"You sure we're going the right way?" she asked.  
  
"Well, this path heads through the forest where werewolves live, where the trees walk, and vampires are abundant," said Clodo.  
  
"Oh," said Ferry, "We are going the right way then."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
They walked through the forest, where they saw several students making a video wearing T-shirts saying 'Blair Witch Investigatory Group' and a girl in red walking along looking lost with a basket of food, which Ferry promptly took. They also saw a wolf with a large industrial fan heading along a path that had a sign above it that said 'To the Three Little Pig's Residence, 1/2 mile'. Jam asked if he wanted a hand, but the wolf seemed in a huff and didn't answer.  
  
Soon they got very lost, and sat down next to a rather scary looking rock with a long tunnel winding back into it.  
  
"Are you sure we should stop here?" said Clodo, "This kinda looks like a cave."  
  
"Really?" said Jam, "Geology was never my strong point. Maybe we should check it out."  
  
"Aw, come on..." said Ferry, "What could possibly harm us in a cave?"  
  
"Dragons," said Jam.  
  
"Monsters," said Clodo.  
  
"Pirates."  
  
"Smugglers."  
  
"Toasters."  
  
"OK, you've made your point," said Ferry, "Tell you what. We wake up and we're being attacked, I owe you a coke."  
  
"I still think one of us should stay awake, just in case," said Clodo.  
  
"Fabby idea," said Jam sleepily.  
  
"We'll get right on it," mumbled Ferry, fluffing her pillow.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin, clambering into her sleeping bag.  
  
The group fell asleep as one. After a while Jam woke up, with a strong feeling of foreboding. She shrugged it off, and tried to get back to sleep. But she couldn't. She got up, and popped into a nearby abandoned Starbucks for a Frappucino. Suddenly she heard a piercing scream. Jam recognised the voice as Ferry's, from when she discovered that there was no gum left at the corner shop. Surely she must be in terrible pain, or in utmost danger. Then another, cheery but sickening, noise echoed around the wood.  
  
"Oh no, it couldn't be," she muttered and sprinted back to where they were. Her worst fears had been confirmed. Surrounding her friends were the most terrifying creatures imaginable.  
  
"It's the TWEENIES!!!!" she screamed.  
  
"They will not let us go until after hours of sickening jollity!" shrieked Clodo, cowering next to Ferry.  
  
"What'll we do?" cried Ferry in despair, "They're so.so."  
  
"Cool," screamed Alippin, covering her eyes.  
  
"Needy and pathetic were the words I was looking for, actually," moaned Ferry.  
  
The Tweenies pranced around them, singing "Hey, HEY, we're ready to play, come along and play with the Tweenies." The fobbits were slowly lapsing into a coma. Soon, they would be mindless drones, absently humming that tune for the rest of their lives while achieving world domination. For the Tweenies are, in fact, servants of Moron.  
  
"Noooooo.." screamed Jam.  
  
"Yo, dudes," said a voice, "you're ruining the mood, what's with the bad vibes? You're as bad as those tribes! I'm getting wiped by them, man, and I want to jam!"  
  
"Who the hell is that?" said Clodo, waking up. The voice's rapping broke them out of their catatonic state.  
  
"Me, dude, soz for being rude." The source of the voice appeared. It was a small girl, wearing an overly sized baseball hat, a basketball vest over a massive T-shirt and voluminous shorts. Also she wore massive sunglasses. "Bom Bombadil's the name, rapping's the game. You don't look to hot, I provide help on the spot. Is it help you want, shall I bring a vol-au- vent?"  
  
"God, she's terrible," murmured Jam.  
  
"What's that, want a hat?"  
  
"Errr.oh, it's so terrible. My friends have been trapped by the monstrous Tweenies. They cannot escape, and if they don't, the world will be taken over by evil, and we could be captured by a girl on a micro scooter. It's.."  
  
"Cool," shrieked Alippin.  
  
"Dude, not good, this ain't a happy wood. But as evil as Tweenies be, I have a path to victory." She reached into one of his pockets and pulled out -  
  
"Oh my, it's the Talking Teletubbies dolls!" cried Clodo.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"I've always wanted one of those," said Jam.  
  
"Um, hello? Can we get back to the trouble at hand?!?!?" screamed Ferry.  
  
"Keep your hair on dude, you'll soon get food. These are great, but they're what the Tweenies hate. So stand back boys, I'm ready with the toys!" Bom pulled the strings, and echoing around the words went the phrase that could bring nations to their knees.  
  
"EH-OH!" The Tweenies screamed and ran off into the cave, followed closely by Doodle, who was whimpering loudly. Bom brushed her hands, and stuffed the Teletubby dolls back into her pockets. She then went up to the fobbits and played them a quick blast of ska music, to rid them of the after effects of the sickening gaiety.  
  
"Hooray, you're okay. Voila, they're gone, but don't sing a song! We're not safe yet I shouldn't bet. These woods are creepy and I'm getting sleepy. Follow me to my crib, I like the cut of your jib. You need somewhere to crash. I have bangers and mash!"  
  
"And where are we on that coke?" asked Jam, glaring at Ferry.  
  
The other fobbits were very excited by the sound of bangers and mash - they were out of chocolate - but Clodo was worried. She had been in fact about to sing, as fobbits do when they're happy (or sad, or angry, or scared, or hungry, or sleepy - in fact in any available moment.) But she, like the others, was hungry, so she followed Bom through the woods. 


	6. In the crib of Bom Bombadil

Chapter 6: In the crib of Bom Bombadil  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or any of the characters, but I know Legolas will come for me one day.  
  
Thanx for de koolies reviews! This chapter's kinda short, but those of you who like LOTR should KNOW that good things come in small packages. Lib ties are something we have in our school, which show that we're allowed to go up into town at lunchtime. If you have any questions about LOTT, then just put them in a review, and I'll put the answers at the top of a chapter.  
  
As they walked along, Clodo asked if she knew where they could get Lib ties.  
  
"You wanna get into Free, but on Lib you must be? I guess you know the ties must be on show."  
  
"Yeah, um, kinda," said Clodo. "Do you know how I can get them?"  
  
"If it's ties you wanna get, you shouldn't fret. I have a friend who can mend, and she'll help thee get into Free."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Thanks man, we owe you one," said Ferry.  
  
"Actually it's twenty, that's the rent. Pay me now or your noses will be bent." The fobbits grumbled and clubbed together to pay Bom.  
  
"Thanks man, to my crib to crash, and I can give you hand getting the stash!" They turned a corner, and Bom's house came into view. It was quite small, painted psychedelic colours with big flowers on the walls. Out of the windows blasted Eminem.  
  
"This is my house. Don't moan and grouse! My friend's in there, probably doing her hair. She'll make you some ties, and maybe some pies..." They walked through the (beaded curtain) door, and Bom yelled,  
  
"Hey, get out the mash, I got some strangers here to crash!"  
  
"OK, whatever you say," came a voice. A girl stepped out of another room, holding onto the boombox. She was wearing the exact same outfit as Bom. "Hey guys, you want Lib ties?"  
  
"How did you know?" gasped Jam.  
  
"Psychic I be, plus Bom texted me. Do you want ties, or do you want pies?"  
  
"Both please," piped Clodo.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
After having their bangers and mash, Bom asked,  
  
"So tell me guys, cos you look wise, what you doin' here, cos it seems quite queer?"  
  
"Well, we're taking the Thing of power to Bordor, and we're going to save the world from the evil of Moron, and - ooops!" said Ferry, and she was immediately hit by Clodo.  
  
"Thing of Power, cool, there's only one in Middle School. Can I see it since I let you crash? And my friend's getting you the stash."  
  
"Um.OK," said Clodo. She unhooked the paper clip chain from around her neck, and held it out to Bom, who took it. Bom examined it from all angles, greatly admired the in-built stereo system, and then threw it back. "Funky, man, so have you got a plan?"  
  
"Well, we're meeting our friend Kandalf at The Drunken Donkey in Free," said Jam.  
  
"So that's why we need the Lib ties," said Ferry.  
  
"OK guys, lets have some pies," said Bom. "Girl, you got the ties, cos these are cool guys!"  
  
"OK Bom, I've nearly done the ties, so just shut up about those guys!" she yelled back.  
  
"Oh, dude, she's in a bad mood," said Bom.  
  
"OK," said Clodo, "Don't worry about it."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Let's go to bed, you got rhythms in my head," said Ferry angrily.  
  
"OK dude, no need to be rude," said Bom. They all grabbed a sleeping bag and fell asleep.  
  
The next morning they woke up, with a great amount of surprise, on the road that led to Free.  
  
"Where's Bom?" cried Clodo.  
  
"And the house? cried Jam.  
  
"AND THE PIES???????" screamed Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Look - a note! And pies!" yelled Jam.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
Clodo, Jam and Alippin looked at the note (Ferry was busy 'examining' the pies). Attached to it were four Lib ties.  
  
'Hey guys, here's your ties. We kinda got evicted, I'm so conflicted. Hope you like the pies, it brought tears to my eyes to let them go, but we got more so good luck on your quest, but don't forget to rest! Wear the ties into Free, and take some money, there's more pies there, and places to do your hair. Buy me something cool, like a swimming pool! Okay, that won't happen, but keep on rappin! From Bom.'  
  
"Well, that explains everything," said Clodo, gathering up her things and checking the Thing was still round her neck, "where's the pies?"  
  
"Ummm - a squirrel took them," said Ferry, who had stains around her mouth and on her fingers.  
  
"OK," said Jam, "We can get more in Free. Lets go!" The fobbits grabbed their ties, put them on (badly) and set off down the track to Free. 


	7. At the sign of the Drunken Donkey

Chappie 7 - At the sign of the Drunken Donkey  
  
Disclaimer: Own the Lord of the Rings I do not. Nor any of the characters I own. Very hot Legolas is. Hmmm...  
  
Thanks so much for all the koolies reviews!!!!! Especially from Im a Brandybuck, that's ultra koolies, cos I LOVE your stories! Please keep R+R ing! Also I've written another story, called Big Hobbit - the Fellowship in the Big Brother House! Please R+R, cos its not doing too well. Please? *puppy dog eyes*  
  
When they arrived, they went up to the gate. On it was tacked a VERY long list of things you were and weren't allowed to do in Free. Also a guard checked their ties, and warned them to obey the rules or they would be taken off Lib.  
  
"Well, we don't have to worry, because we were never on Lib anyuuurrkk," said Clodo, who stopped because Jam used her sleeper hold on her.  
  
"What she say?" said the guard.  
  
"She said - err - 'Don't worry, we're on Lib, so we'll be on our way!'" beamed Ferry, fluttering her eyelashes.  
  
"Oh - all right then. Have fun," said the guard.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
Free was as good as they had heard. There were massive New Looks, Top Shops, Starbucks, McDonalds and Pizza Huts, out of which spilled many girls and fobbits - apparently, in a state of ecstasy. As they walked along, they saw millions of other manic shoppers, doing their Christmas shopping - even though it was only March - who seemed to have actually taken ecstasy.  
  
They wondered where 'The Drunken Donkey' was. Jam asked a passer-by while Alippin tried to revive Clodo (who was still out cold.) The passer-by pointed out a small, dilapidated hut. It looked like it would collapse if Kandalf were to sneeze next to it. It was mainly held together with blutak and cardboard. Above it was hung a sign with a donkey trying to walk along a white line. Outside was a donkey, swaying slightly, with many empty bottles next to it. Jam and Alippin grabbed Clodo and they all went inside.  
  
Inside it was very different than it looked from the outside. There were lots of waiters in tuxedos, foie gras as a starter, and Phil Collins playing 'Walking in the Air' on the white grand piano in the corner. Jam, Ferry and Alippin looked at each other.  
  
"Sure's different, I'm a'thinkin," said Jam.  
  
"Duh," said Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin. They went up to the counter.  
  
"Good evening," said the waiter, "Name?"  
  
"The name's Bond," said Jam, "Jam Bond."  
  
"OK then... table for four? Blimey," he said, catching sight of Clodo, and dropping the oily voice, "what 'appened to 'er?"  
  
"Well," said Ferry, "we were trying to get into Free, and Jam here did a sleeper hold on her because she nearly told the guy that we're not on uurrrrrkkk." With that, she collapsed on the ground, Jam having put a sleeper hold on her.  
  
"Blimey, yer droppin like flies!" gasped the waiter.  
  
"Ummm - yes, it MUST BE SOMETHING IN THE HOTEL," said Jam, having just had an idea. "The hotel air conditioning may not be compatible with fobbits. We need...errr... triosodiumsulphine glutamaphorousoxide."  
  
"Y'wha?"  
  
"Not important," said Jam hastily, "Anyway, I could report you to Watchdog."  
  
"Hey, hey, no need for that!" yelled the waiter, "If that 'appens at another 'otel I work at, people are gonna start askin questions!"  
  
"Your problem," sighed Jam, "unless of course we stayed a night here, and proved it wasn't in the air."  
  
"'Ow will you do that?"  
  
"Well, if my friend Alippin doesn't collapse - how are you feeling Alippin?"  
  
"Cool."  
  
"Oh, that's good," said the man.  
  
"No its not," said Jam quickly, "Fobbit body temperature is hotter than humans. Your air conditioning must be too strong. We could get frostbite.... but, if she survives the night, we won't sue."  
  
"Thought choo were gonna stay anyway?"  
  
"Well, we changed our minds when our friends collapsed - we'd rather not waste our money. But tragically, if we can't stay the night, we'll never know the truth, will we."  
  
"OK, OK, I geddit. Follow me to the fobbit rooms." grumbled the waiter. Jam dragged Clodo (who was waking up) and Alippin carried Ferry to their room. 


	8. Drunken fobbits, dark strangers, and unc...

Chappie 8: Drunken fobbits, dark strangers, and uncouth rubber plants  
  
Disclaimer: Own LOTR I do not. The characters belong to me not. Very insane I am. Hmmm.  
  
Thanx for the koolies reviews! This story is still getting madder, by the way.  
  
"This is the life!" said Jam, helping herself to the mini bar.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Clodo, who was still a bit mad about being put to sleep.  
  
"Hey!" said Ferry, bouncing on the bed, and then hitting her head on the ceiling, "Let's go downstairs and hit the bar! We might see Kandalf. She said she'd meet us here."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin, reading the room service menu.  
  
"I dunno," said Clodo, "I mean, I'm still tired.." - she glowered at Jam - "and we should keep a low profile."  
  
"It's 'all expenses paid'" pointed out Ferry, rubbing her head.  
  
"Cool!" said Alippin.  
  
"Oh, all right," muttered Clodo. They headed down the stairs to the classy restaurant, and saw that it had changed into a redneck bar, where a brawl had just erupted. Clodo fought her way to the front.  
  
"What's happened?" yelled Clodo, ducking a flying bar stool.  
  
"We target the masses," yelled the bartender, "During the day it's nice people who want lunch who come here. At night it's sad alcoholics, drinking their money, then coming here to drown their sorrows because they have no money because they're drinking it here to drown their sorrows because they have no money because they're drinking it here to drown their sorrows because they have no money because their drinking it hereuuuurrk." With that he slumped to the ground because Jam had used a sleeper hold on him. Jam vaulted over the bar.  
  
"What's it to be, ladies?" asked Jam.  
  
"Four Urka - Colas, please!" said Ferry.  
  
"How do you want them?" asked Jam.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Good choice," said Clodo.  
  
Jam got their drinks and jumped back over the bar. They went and sat down at a table (first of all, Jam sleeper-holding a guy already sitting there.) They looked around the bar. It was a traditional fobbit bar, apart from a few oddities.  
  
Jam was very fond of plants, and was fascinated by a rubber plant in the corner which seemed to have feet, and swore loudly when someone bumped into it, and accepted pork scratchings. Also, it seemed to be closer to their table every time she glanced at it. She supposed it was from Berkwood, or maybe Fondue.  
  
"This is great!" she said.  
  
"Yeah!" said Ferry.  
  
"Cool!" said Alippin.  
  
Clodo however felt uneasy. Kandalf was supposed to be here, but there was no sign of her - or her kangaroo. She gazed around the bar. There was one person who was not joining in the free-for-all that had just begun (she could see Jam, Ferry, Alippin and the rubber plant diving into the fray) and was staring right at her.  
  
"My goodness," she said, "that person is staring right at me!" He was dressed all in black Versace, and looked as if he hadn't even heard of shampoo, let alone rinse-and-repeated in the last month. But somehow, he managed to keep his stubble to a controlled level. She asked a passing drunk who he was.  
  
"I dunno," he said. "He just pops in for peanuts now and then. Very strange man. Nobody knows who he is; there are no clues to his identity except for the crest of Fondue on his shield and his birthmark in the shape of the Crown of Izzybore on his arm. But round here, he's known as Waddler."  
  
Clodo glanced uneasily at Waddler. The stranger very threateningly waved at her with a big grin on his face, his eyes glittering with enthusiasm. Clodo screamed and ran. As she ran to her room, she saw Jam, Ferry and Alippin be knocked out. She was torn. Should she save herself or her friends? She ran to her room, bolting the door. 


	9. Waddler

Chappie 9 - Waddler  
  
Later that evening, she heard a knock at the door.  
  
"Oh my goodness, it's that sinister stranger come to kill me!" she thought. They then knocked again, more insistently. Clodo armed herself with a very threatening looking ruler, and a pencil sharpener that looked like it could do some damage, and opened the door. On the threshold she beheld the most ugly things in the world, the demons that infested the darkest corners of Middle School.  
  
"Hey Clodo," said Ferry. "Brought you some peanuts."  
  
"Way to abandon us back there, by the way," pointed out Jam, very put out at having been referred to as a demon that infested the darkest corners of Middle School.  
  
"Yeah, well, there was this really creepy guy, and I thought he was going to kill me, so I had to escape. If he comes here, hide me," she said.  
  
"Oh, by the way, this really creepy guy wanted to see you," said Jam. The man stepped over the threshold of the room, surveying the fobbits with a threateningly cheery eye. All of the fobbits looked up at him in terror. He drew himself up to a terrifying height.  
  
"Howdy y'all!" he said cheerily.  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Clodo.  
  
"Wassup?" asked Ferry.  
  
"Um, hello?" cried Clodo, "That's the guy who will kill me!"  
  
"And take the Thing," added Jam.  
  
"To give to Moron," piped Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
Clodo grabbed the Thing from her paper clip chain, and put it on, knowing that as well as releasing air freshener, it had an in built catapult and 63 Magnum. But suddenly she didn't see her friends, or the lousy wallpapering job in their room. She saw a great corridor, which was very blue, and at the end was a figure in black. The figure seemed to be coming nearer. A voice echoed around the corridor -  
  
"Peekaboo, I see you! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!"  
  
Clodo screamed in utmost terror, and wrenched off the Thing. She looked around, and saw Jam, Ferry and Alippin looking under beds.  
  
"Nope - she's not here," said Jam.  
  
"But there are a lot of socks," said Ferry, "And some sort of cheese. With something growing on it. How often do they clean these rooms?"  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"No, I'm here," said Clodo, "You guys blind or something?"  
  
"No!" said Ferry, now munching on the cheese, "You vanished!"  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Clodo," said the mysterious stranger.  
  
"H-how do you know my name?" stammered Clodo.  
  
"I have my sources," he said mysteriously.  
  
"Um - Clodo?" said Ferry, "It's on your name tag." Clodo looked at her top. On it was her badge from Albo's party: "HI! I'M COOL CLODO!" She looked around. Everyone still had their stickers on too: "HI! I'M JAZZY JAM!", "HI! I'M FUNKY FERRY!" and "COOL!"  
  
"Oh," said Clodo.  
  
"Anyway," said the mysterious stranger, "You are in great danger. Did you just put on the Thing?"  
  
"Maybe," said Clodo sheepishly.  
  
"Clodo?"  
  
"Okay, I did! What's it to ya? Ya wanna kill me?"  
  
"And take the Thing."  
  
"To give to Moron."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"What's that? Nay, I do not wish to annihilate you. I'm a chum of Kandalf," said the stranger.  
  
"Oh, yeah, right, sure you are," said Clodo.  
  
"If you're a friend of Kandalf, then what's her favourite food?" asked Ferry suspiciously.  
  
"Two Winter's Chicken," he answered immediately.  
  
"WHOA - you must know her!" said Jam excitedly.  
  
"She eats all her food with such enthusiasm it's hard to tell!" said Clodo ecstatically.  
  
"Safe!" said Ferry elatedly.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin, being bogged down by all the adjectives beginning with 'e'.  
  
"So where is she?" said Ferry, getting back to the point.  
  
"What? Oh yeah. She asked me to give you this note."  
  
"Really? So you saw her?" asked Clodo.  
  
"Nah - kid rode up on a BMX and gave it to me." He handed them the note, which was written on the back of a paper napkin.  
  
'Hey dudes! Am a bit 'delayed'. Trust this dude - I once trusted him with a chocolate bar ("Cool!" said Alippin) so you can trust him with your lives. And don't mention his scar, it's a sore spot. Kandalf xxx PS Don't touch my stuff.'  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Delayed? Where is she?" asked Ferry.  
  
The mysterious stranger shrugged.  
  
"I have a question." said Clodo.  
  
"Fire away!" said the stranger cheerily.  
  
"What's with the scar?" she asked. The stranger suddenly got angry.  
  
"WHAT'S IT TO DO WITH YOU?" he bellowed, knocking the fobbits to the ground with the sheer force of his wrath. Clodo got to her feet, turned on the mini-vac on the Thing, cleaned the dust off her clothes and continued talking.  
  
"Well, a lot, actually. If you got it in a fight, we may know that you get into fights easily. If you got it saving someone, we know you're heroic. If you got it by uuurrrkkk," and she slumped to the ground again. Alippin and Ferry looked suspiciously at Jam.  
  
"What I want to ask," said Ferry, "is - who ARE you?"  
  
"I have many names," said the stranger, helping the fobbits to their feet, "Waddler - Fluffy bunny-" Ferry snorted. Waddler glared at her. "But the one on my Blockbuster card is..." He trailed off.  
  
"JAM!" shouted Ferry, "you haven't done a sleeper hold on him have you?"  
  
"No! I was pausing for dramatic effect!" said the stranger. "My name is.Begorn."  
  
"No thank you," said Jam, "we paid for this room."  
  
"No we didn't," pointed out Ferry.  
  
"NO! That's my name. Begorn," said the stranger.  
  
"Ohhhh," said Jam and Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"But don't worry," said Waddler, "You can just call me Waddler."  
  
"Okey doke," said Ferry and Jam.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
Suddenly Clodo got to her feet. "As I was saying before, how did you get that scar? I mean, it kinda disfigures your face." Jam suddenly made threatening movements towards Clodo, when Waddler interrupted,  
  
"I got it defending Kandalf. She was heading towards the Pizza Hut buffet, when she was attacked by urks."  
  
"Wow! So you were terribly injured?"  
  
"No," he said, blushing, "I kinda tripped over on the way."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"But you must be more careful. That is not just a Thing you carry," said Waddler.  
  
"Yeah it is!" said Clodo, "It says it on the side - see? 'This is just a Thing, please send it to Moron, there's a good fobbit, she will not use it to destroy and enslave the world.'"  
  
"Yeah, well, it is gonna say that, isn't it? Moron wants that Thing," said Waddler, "and will do anything - ANYTHING - to get it." He glared at them all.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Cool? Nay, it is not cool! You cannot stay in your room tonight. They will be looking for you." He glared at them again, and made a large show of glancing out the window.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"But..but..our room has free room service!" gasped Clodo, "Sucks to them! I'm hungry!" With that she headed to the phone, but fell to the ground for the fourth time that day.  
  
"Good one Jam," said Ferry.  
  
"Come to my room," said Waddler, "You will be safe there." Jam and Alippin gave Clodo a queen carry to Waddler's room, while Ferry grumbled and carried the bags. There were four beds - Waddler collapsed onto one of them, and Jam, Ferry and Alippin grabbed the others. Clodo was left with the floor and a rug.  
  
The others fell asleep immediately, but Ferry tossed and turned for about 30 seconds; a very long time indeed for a fobbit. But she, too, soon slept, lulled by the whispered orders, the clanking of bracelets, the clopping of high heels and the sound of hair spray in the street below. 


	10. One unkoolies Geography dude

Chapter 10 - One un-koolies Geography dude  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or Lord of the Rings. Or any kangaroos, for that matter... shut up brain...  
  
This chapter wasn't actually in my original version of the story, but I thought it would be koolies to add! Thanx for de reviews!  
  
Kandalf jumped off her tamed kangaroo at the gates of Diehard, the residence of Sarumeanie. Sarumeanie was the head of the Geography Society, and knew much about history. He also had an electronic whiteboard pen, which he treasured above all other things.  
  
She went up to the tall tower. Down the fireman's pole came sliding Sarumeanie.  
  
"Welcome Kandalf," said Sarumeanie, "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Came to ask for advice," said Kandalf, "Can I come in?"  
  
"If you can get back up this," said Sarumeanie, glancing at the pole.  
  
After not a little difficulty, Kandalf reached Sarumeanie's inner sanctum. "So what do you want to ask?"  
  
"Well," said Kandalf, "The Thing of Power had been found."  
  
"Groovy," said Sarumeanie.  
  
"Um, well, that wasn't quite my reaction..." said Kandalf, "I was a bit more worried that Moron could return."  
  
"Oh yeah, BIG problem," said Sarumeanie, "So what do you want us to do? Send in weapon's inspectors?"  
  
"Nah - if they're anything like the guys I know, they'll never find anything. I've given it to Clodo Leggings, to take to Free. She's going to meet me there."  
  
Sarumeanie laughed. "Hahaha... oh, that's funny. Haven't heard a joke as good as that for a long time. Actually, I did hear one about an elf, a dwarf and a hobbit..."  
  
"I wasn't joking."  
  
"Are you serious?" said Sarumeanie, "You've sent one fobbit - with hardly any brain - against Moron?"  
  
"Maybe..."  
  
"KANDALF?"  
  
"OK, yes! But we might still have time."  
  
"I doubt it somehow," sighed Sarumeanie, "The Nine passed here a few nights ago."  
  
"The Nine?" gasped Kandalf, "Nine what?"  
  
Sarumeanie sighed with despair. "Wombles."  
  
"Oh, KOOLIES!"  
  
"I've heard that Topshop just sold out of boots and leather jackets. And that Claire's Accessories is out of mascara."  
  
"OH NO!" said Kandalf, "Its - the THINGCHAVS!"  
  
"Well, duh," said Sarumeanie, "Unless of course Uncle Bulgaria has started reading Cosmo. Kandalf - we must join Moron."  
  
"That's a bit fast," said Kandalf, "Aren't you supposed to be all pessimistic first?"  
  
"Well, yeah, but I've got appointment at two thirty. So whaddya say?"  
  
Kandalf thought. Being on the side of the one true evil of the world would look good on her universtiy application... "No," she said, "Moron is pure evil. Whatever good she does always turns to bad. What light-hearted world could there be without light?"  
  
"You just don't want to lose chocolate."  
  
"That's neither here nor there," said Kandalf, "No."  
  
"That's it," said Sarumeanie, getting a tad mad, "First you fall asleep in Geography. Then you refuse point blank to take Geography for GCSE. Now you won't help me take over the world? What is the MATTER with you?"  
  
"Geography's boring. I only do it to fulfil the Skill section in my Duke of Fondue award."  
  
Sarumeanie was now REEEEALLY pissed off. "Well," said Sarumeanie, "I'll just lock you up in some horrid place until you change your mind."  
  
"Aw, won't you let me go? I won't tell anyone, I promise." She blinked angelically. Five minutes later, she was hopping away from Diehard on her kangaroo. 


	11. Thingchavs, ISpy books and allyoucaneat ...

Chapter 11 - Thingchavs, I-Spy books and all-you-can-eat breakfasts  
  
THANKIES FOR THE REVIEWS!!!!! I'm very touched *sniff* PLEASE also read Big Hobbit, its another story I've done, and it only has two reviews so far.... I know, Groovy Chick, it's amazing that so many Geography teachers have a peculiar fascination with white board pens, isn't it...?  
  
If any of the rest of your Geog teachers are obsessed with their electronic whiteboard pens, please tell me! Actually, Groovy Chick, your Geog teacher wouldn't happen to be Mr Mead, would he?... Cos that would just be the most freakish coincidence ever....  
  
Disclaimer: Me no own LOTR or any of the characters, but my sister recently bought a new Legolas poster *envy*  
  
Suddenly a piercing shriek echoed through the night air. All of the fobbits leapt out of their beds (Clodo leapt off the floor onto a bed) and saw Waddler sitting by the window, cutting his toenails. They all looked out of the window. Outside they could see NINE girls like they had seen before. They looked terrifying in the moonlight - their mascara was glow-in-the- dark. Jam, Ferry and Alippin dived for hiding places, but Clodo watched with rising fear and hamburger. The girls seemed to be frustrated. They mounted their micro scooters, and chug-chug-chugged away.  
  
"What in the name of all that is delicious were they?" asked Clodo as they rounded the corner.  
  
"We've seen one of them before," said Jam, emerging from underneath the bed, "in the forest. Fashionable Riders."  
  
"Aye!" said Waddler, "They are deadly, evil creatures. They omit a foul odour, and disrupt the peace, and are detested by everyone - and those are just their micro scooters."  
  
"Well, who are they?" asked Clodo.  
  
"They are the Nosedrool, or Thingchavs," said Waddler grimly.  
  
"REALLY?" squealed Ferry with excitement, "They're worth a hundred points in my 'I-Spy Forces of Evil' book, if you spot all nine of them! Now I can get my certificate!"  
  
All of the other fobbits rolled their eyes as Ferry scrabbled in her backpack.  
  
"O...K..." said Waddler, "Where was I?"  
  
"Thingchavs, Armageddon, Forces of Evil..." prompted Jam.  
  
"Aye! They represent the nine chavs who were given the Things of Power, and taken over by Moron. It's terrible what the offer of unlimited Maybelline can do." said Waddler. The fobbits nodded solemnly. "They are looking for you, Clodo."  
  
"Me?" wailed Clodo, "What did I do? What makes me different?"  
  
Everyone stared at her.  
  
"Oh yeah..." said Clodo.  
  
"They are drawn to that Thing like Tony Blair to the vodka after a press conference about war on Iraq," said Waddler, "You put on the Thing earlier, didn't you? When you became invisible?"  
  
"Ohhhh. that's what made me invisible? I should add that onto my list of what it does," said Clodo. She pulled out an immensely long piece of paper, and added 'Makes me invisible' at the bottom.  
  
"When you put on the Thing, it gives them the exact position of where you are," said Waddler grimly, "That's why they went to your room just then." Clodo shivered to imagine what they might have done if they had been there. They could have made her eat a sock.  
  
"Oh my goodness," said Clodo, "If I had been there they might have made me eat a sock!"  
  
"Aye," said Waddler, "Most likely."  
  
Clodo, Jam, Ferry and Alippin wondered at the terror of these beings.  
  
"What do we do?" asked Ferry, after contemplating how horrid it would be to be to eat a bar of soap.  
  
"We must go to Riverstour, and join the boffs. We will be safe there," said Waddler, "No-one ever suspects the boffs."  
  
"OK," said Jam, who was contemplating how horrid it would be to eat a whole jar of mustard at once.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
* * * *  
  
The next day they set off at noon. Waddler had wanted to leave at first light, but Jam noticed there was an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet, so they were considerably held up.  
  
"I'm tired," moaned Clodo, "Can we stop for lunch?"  
  
"Clodo," sighed Waddler, "Look back there."  
  
Clodo looked back. There, surrounded by families with screaming children, was the Drunken Donkey.  
  
"We've barely gone 500 yards," said Waddler, "At this rate, the Thing will never get to Bordor."  
  
"Yeah, I know," said Clodo.  
  
"But don't forget, the Thingchavs are tracking you, and might have a jar of out-of-date mustard with them." All of the fobbits shot over the horizon, leaving a dirt cloud. Soon they returned - they'd forgotten their chocolate.  
  
"Okaaaay, not so fast this time," said Waddler, as they checked they hadn't left anything. They continued on their trek through the village of Free, and soon left it, ("Remember! You can't come back for another week! Don't forget to ask your house tutor!" called the guard at the gate.) Soon they were trekking through miles of countryside.  
  
"Are we there yet?" asked Clodo.  
  
"No," replied Waddler.  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we thereuuuurrrrkkk," petered out Clodo, and she slumped to the ground. Ferry glanced suspiciously at Jam, who became interested in a passing ant.  
  
"You idiot Jam," said Waddler.  
  
"She was bugging me..." said Jam.  
  
"I didn't say it was wrong," said Waddler, "Its just that now we have to stop."  
  
"Doesn't matter," said Jam cheerily, "It's lunchtime anyway."  
  
"We don't stop for lunch," said Ferry. All of the other fobbits (except for Clodo) stared at her.  
  
"Who ARE you, and what have you done with Ferry?" said Jam.  
  
"No, Ferry is being smart," said Waddler. "We must conserve our food."  
  
Jam still suspiciously eyeballed Ferry. Suddenly Clodo sat up.  
  
"I'm hungry!" she cried miserably, "When's lunch?"  
  
"We're not having lunch," growled Jam, "Because 'Ferry' here says we need to 'conserve our food'."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"WHAT?" screamed Clodo, "But I'm hungry!"  
  
"Eh, have a tic tac or something," sighed Waddler, "Lets keep going, now that Clodo's awake."  
  
"Thanks Clodo," grumbled Jam.  
  
"Stop moaning, Jam!" said Waddler, "We must reach Weathervane by nightfall."  
  
"Where is it?" asked Ferry.  
  
"About a mile away," said Begorn.  
  
"I can't walk that far without something to eat!" moaned Clodo, "It's a scientific fact!"  
  
"And these scientists were?..."  
  
"Um... fobbits."  
  
"There you go," said Waddler, "Stop moaning. Anyway, I've heard there's a chocolate shop next to it."  
  
"Come on! What are we waiting for?" cried Clodo, and set off on a quick march, Waddler having to run to keep up. All of the other fobbits followed, drooling with anticipation. 


	12. Weathervane, discoes and rock paper scis...

Chapter 12 - Weathervane, discoes and rock paper scissors  
  
Thankies for all the reviews! It really is so sweet, it makes my day!! :D  
  
As they walked, Ferry talked to Waddler.  
  
"What in the name of all that is cheesy is Weathervane?" asked Ferry.  
  
"Kandalf went there on a Geography Society Field trip," said Waddler, "It is a noble place which foretells what weather is to come."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Since she went to meet Sarumeanie, the head of the Geography Society, she will most probably be there."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin. They walked for hours and hours, and covered many ... errrrr ... centimetres. Waddler glanced around the landscape. Something wasn't right. There was no danger that he could see, though. There was a perfectly normal pit covered with leaves dug in the road, the typical binocular lenses winking out of the bushes. Even as they walked, a routine anvil fell from the sky and nearly hit Clodo. But still, Waddler felt uneasy.  
  
After a while they reached the corner. When they turned, they saw a small box with a thermometer, barometer, rain gauge and windsock.  
  
"It's so beautiful," sighed Jam.  
  
"Aye," said Waddler, "Hey - check this out." He went to the barometer, and on it it said 'Dry'. "It shall not rain tonight," he proclaimed.  
  
"Such magic," gasped Clodo.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin, wiping away a tear.  
  
"Come, we must set up camp," said Waddler, "No fires tonight - I do not want the Nosedrool to know where we are."  
  
"NO FIRES!" screamed Ferry, "But I'm hungry!"  
  
"And where's the chocolate shop?????" shrieked Clodo.  
  
"There isn't one," smirked Waddler, "ha ha."  
  
"But what are we going to eat?" asked Jam.  
  
"Do not worry," said Waddler, "There is a nearby restaurant which produces food almost immediately, and is a favourite hangout of fobbits." He headed off into the distance.  
  
"Where's he going?" said Clodo.  
  
"To the restaurant?" said Jam sarcastically.  
  
"But what if he has gone to betray us to Moron, or what if he's captured by Urks and tortured, or what if he's uuurrrkk." She collapsed to the ground.  
  
"Clodo's chocolate, anyone?" asked Jam.  
  
* * * *  
  
Clodo woke up to the sound of the Vengaboys. She opened her eyes, and around her she saw disco lights, and the three other fobbits boogieing with a large number of fobbit boys who had appeared from nowhere.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" screamed Clodo, "Waddler said no lights!"  
  
"No he didn't," pointed out Ferry, starting a conga line, "he said no fires. FIRES."  
  
"The Thingchavs will see this, and come and make me eat a sock!" screamed Clodo.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
Clodo ran and turned off the stereo. But it was too late - in the distance, coming ever closer, she heard high-pitched giggles and the chug-chug-chug of micro scooters.  
  
"Oh no!" screamed Ferry.  
  
"We're all doomed!" shrieked Clodo.  
  
"DOOMED!!!" screamed Jam.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Alippin's right," said Clodo, "We've got to stay calm."  
  
"Um...calm?" said Ferry, "Hello? They get the Thing, and it's goodbye Maltesers."  
  
"Ferry's right," said Jam, "What should we do?" Everyone looked at Ferry expectantly.  
  
"Ummm.one person should stay and distract them, while the rest of us run away." They glanced round at the male fobbits, but saw only a mass of retreating backs.  
  
"Well, who should stay?" asked Jam.  
  
"Well, they should be dim, slow witted and no-one should miss them," said Ferry, "They can't have done anything important in their life."  
  
"OK," said Jam, "That's all of us. Rock-Paper-Scissors?"  
  
"Deal," said Clodo and Ferry.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
They played it - they all had rocks, except for Ferry, who had scissors.  
  
"Two out of three?" said Ferry hopefully. But they had already gone. Clodo wiped away a tear - she'd miss not having to carry her own stuff. 


	13. Attack of the Thingchavs, and why you sh...

Chapter 13 - Attack of the Thingchavs, and why you shouldn't leave Ferry behind to distract them  
  
Thanx for all de reviews! And Musica, I've already decided on the names for Legolas and Gimli, but thanx for the suggestions!!!  
  
Also, will someone PLEASE read Big Hobbit, I've only had three reviews so far, and I don't want to have to take it down.... Thanx to Miss Uots and Amee Tamison for reviewing it!!! If you do read it, please send in suggestions for what should happen next! Thankies!!!  
  
Ferry turned, and saw the nine Thingchavs drawing closer, eyes roving all over her, searching for a point of which to make a sarcastic comment - a common start of attack for Thingchavs, before the forcing of socks down the gullet.  
  
"Stay back! I'm a'warnin you!" she yelled.  
  
"Oh yes, we're really scared," said Thingchav 8.  
  
"Yeah, we're quakin in our boots," said Thingchav 6.  
  
"Prada boots," corrected Thingchav 2.  
  
"Ah, screw it," said Ferry, and she ran towards Waddler, who was approaching with a McDonalds takeaway.  
  
"Crumbs," said Waddler, "What's happening here?"  
  
"We kinda had a disco."  
  
"Ah.I think I know what's coming."  
  
"And Clodo woke up, and the light attracted the Thingchavs, and we decided one of us should stay behind, but they made me, just because I got stupid scissors, and all they got were rocks, but I still had to stay, and I don't think that's fair! Do you?"  
  
"Errrrr...that wasn't exactly what I was thinking of," said Waddler.  
  
"Well, what were you thinking of?"  
  
"I thought Jam was pregnant or something."  
  
"Oh. No."  
  
"I guessed. We should try and rescue her... nah, it's too late. Dulce et Decorum. Do you want the Big Mac?"  
  
Meanwhile, Clodo looked back, and saw Ferry scurrying away.  
  
"Damn you Ferry!" she screamed. She saw the nine Thingchavs gaining on her, with a victorious "Hee-hee-hee!" Clodo saw that Jam and Alippin were very far ahead, and that the Thingchavs were heading straight towards her.  
  
Ahead she saw Riverstour, and headed straight towards the river Stour that encircled it. Inside her head she heard Albo saying "Duh. Head towards Riverstour!"  
  
"Thanks Albo," thought Clodo. She put on a spurt, and thought she could just make it. Sadly not.  
  
"Gotcha!" squealed Thingchav 5, lassoing her.  
  
Clodo thought the end was near.  
  
"The end is near!" she screamed.  
  
"Well duh," said the Head Thingchav, "Random!"  
  
"Can we hurry this up a bit?" said Thingchav 7, "I've got a date."  
  
"Oh, with him?" winked Thingchav 6.  
  
"Maaaaaaybe, yeah..." grinned Thingchav 7.  
  
"That's so cool, you're just so perfect for each other... hey come back!" shrieked Thingchav 2, and jumped on top of Clodo who was sidling away.  
  
She was inflicted with many slaps and pulling of hairs.  
  
"Why aren't you dead?" asked the Head Thingchav.  
  
"You haven't beaten up many fobbits before, have you?" said Clodo (in a rather muffled voice, because five of the Thingchavs were sitting on her), "Fobbits are indestructible."  
  
"Oh, that's just our luck, ain't it," said Thingchav 4.  
  
"But we can be killed," said Clodo, "What really hurts us is when SOMEONE GIVES ME CHOCOLATE!!!" All the Thingchavs began to draw out Galaxy bars.  
  
"Ooooops.shouldn't have told you that!" said Clodo.  
  
"Well, we'll give you chocolate, short stuff!"  
  
"We'll give you so much chocolate you'll throw up," said the head Thingchav.  
  
"Oh," said Clodo, "How terrible." Suddenly a boff rode up on a motorbike. She was very beautiful, and had red hair that streamed down her back and was so bright Clodo had to put on her sunglasses.  
  
"Are you Clodo?" she asked.  
  
"Who wants to know?" she asked suspiciously.  
  
"Someone who wishes to save you from certain death."  
  
"Wow, Superman's here?"  
  
"No! Um, girls," she said to the Thingchavs, "Sorry to interrupt the torturing, killing, and helping to bring about the apocalypse, but I just have to tell you - you're clothes are SOOOO out of fashion right now."  
  
"NO!" they screamed.  
  
"Yeah," said the boff, "Feathers are out, blue's out, pink's out... help me out, here, Clodo..."  
  
"Oh yeah... um, your hair is so yesterday, your ensemble is typical of November... in fact, I saw that very jacket in QS..." The Thingchavs were screaming in despair. The boff quickly pulled Clodo onto the motorbike.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute." said the Head Thingchav, flicking through a catalogue, "We're actually ridiculously fashionable at the moment! HEY!" The boff and Clodo rode as fast as they could towards the river. Behind them, the Thingchavs mounted their micro scooters, and sped after them.  
  
"So, who are you?" asked Clodo.  
  
"My name is Amwen," said Amwen, "I'm an elf."  
  
"A whatty?"  
  
They vroomed through the river. The Thingchavs remained on the other side.  
  
"We can't go through there!" shrieked Thingchav 2.  
  
"My top's not colourfast!" screamed Thingchav 6.  
  
"My make-up's not waterproof!" shrieked Thingchav 5.  
  
"We must send them a message which will terrify them, and die from fear." pondered Thingchav 7. They contemplated for a long time.  
  
"YOU REALLY SUCK!" they screamed.  
  
"Aaaaahh!" screamed Clodo.  
  
"Don't worry," said Amwen, giving Clodo a hug, "they're leaving now. We've arrived at Riverstour - home of the elves. There's some of them upstream, pond dipping."  
  
"Oh yeah," said Clodo. She picked up a sign, which said 'Welcome to Riverstour, don't drop litter - analyse it!' Suddenly she screamed. "AAAAAHH! Paper cut!" She fainted. 


	14. Many Mundane Meetings with Mad Maniacal ...

Thankies to Im a Brandybuck and Mrs Frodo Baggins for reviewing Big Hobbit! I'm gonna put Tuesday up soon, I'm just waiting to see if any great ideas to come to my head (or into my inbox, HINT HINT) to put into it.  
  
Enjoy!!!  
  
Chapter 14 - Many Mundane Meetings with Mad Maniacal Minty Mobs of Midgets  
  
Clodo woke up in a room in Riverstour. The inside was very beautiful, and delicately furnished, and was from catalogues. Around her stood her pals.  
  
"Cool!" said Alippin, so loudly Clodo jumped.  
  
"You're awake!" squealed Jam.  
  
"How ya doin?" asked Ferry.  
  
"Cool?" asked Alippin.  
  
"Yeah," said Clodo, "Where am I?"  
  
"You are in the house of El Rondo, the head of the National Elf service," said Waddler.  
  
"What's an 'elf'?" asked Jam.  
  
"Another, bizarre word for a boff," said Waddler, "Anyway, he healed you of your grievous injury."  
  
"What, my paper cut?"  
  
"Erm, yeah."  
  
"You could have died," said Ferry cheerfully.  
  
"Cool," piped Alippin cheerfully.  
  
"What, from my paper cut?" Clodo glanced at the cut on her finger, and was astounded to see that it had swollen to nearly thrice its normal size. It throbbed, and out of it oozed a black pus. "What the hell's happened to it?"  
  
"The poisonous mascara of the Thingchavs got into it, which is one of the deadliest things in the whole of Middle School. You'll have that wound forever," sighed Waddler.  
  
"Dammit," said Clodo.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Clodo was dozing while Ferry and Alippin explored Riverstour (well, mainly the chocolate shop on the high street), and Jam came again to visit her (and steal her chocolate.)  
  
"How ya feelin, Miss Clodo?" she asked loyally, hand reaching for the Ferrero Rocher.  
  
"Ah, Jam," she moaned, "I am in great pain. I will stay in this bed forever, and you must take the Thing to Bordor."  
  
"Aw, that's too bad," sympathised Jam through a mouthful of chocolate, "I guess you're not hungry then."  
  
"I never said that."  
  
"Well, if you feel up to it, there's pancakes for breakfast... Miss Clodo?" For Clodo had jumped out of bed.  
  
"Can't talk, must eat," said Clodo, and shot out of the room. Jam looked out the window, and saw her eating a massive amount of pancakes. As Clodo ate, she looked around at Riverstour.  
  
It was a very beautiful place. Beautiful trees grew everywhere, and there were many ornate buildings, among which boffs wandered freely. Out of the many windows came the sound of boff voices singing, lively conversation, and small puffs of blue smoke. She glanced at a small grove of trees. Among them was Albo.  
  
"ALBO!" she squealed.  
  
"What the f- Oh, hey Clodo," she said, walking over and stealing a pancake, "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I am on a long journey to destroy the Thing of Power, but have been ambushed by Thingchavs, and nearly died from a paper cut."  
  
"You're destroying my Thing? I never told Kandalf you could do that."  
  
"Do you know where Kandalf is?" asked Clodo hopefully.  
  
"Yeah. She's inside."  
  
"What?" Clodo rushed in, and saw Kandalf demolishing a large amount of spaghetti bolognaise. "KANDALF! What is with all the long-lost friends?"  
  
"Hey Clodo," said Kandalf, "Soz about not meeting you at the Drunken Donkey."  
  
"Ah, it's ancient history. Don't worry about it. Where were you, anyway?"  
  
"Well, I have grievous news. Sarumeanie has gone over to the Dark Side-"  
  
"Oooh, like Anakin Skywalker? He's cute..."  
  
"Well - yes. But Sarumeanie is NOT CUTE. Let's get that clear. He looks NOTHING like Anakin."  
  
"Who's talking about Anakin?" asked Jam.  
  
"I was talking about Sarumeanie," said Kandalf grumpily.  
  
"Gone over to the Dark Side he has, hmmmm," said Clodo.  
  
"So were you imprisoned by him, and escaped within an inch of your life?" asked Jam.  
  
"Um... no..." said Kandalf, turning a bit red, "I used amazing mind manipulation techniques.... Anyway, I just stopped off at Argos, they had a sale on staffs. My one's a bit out of date." Kandalf proceeded to show it to them, at every angle. Clodo yawned very openly. Albo ambled in, catching her leg on a cabinet and swearing loudly.  
  
"Ah, Albo," said Kandalf, "There you are. How is the studying going?"  
  
"Boring," said Albo, "I wanna go to the disco..."  
  
"Studying? ALBO?" exclaimed Clodo, "She didn't even study for the modules!"  
  
"Aye," said Kandalf, "But now Albo is studying for a degree in Drama."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin, who had just arrived with Ferry, with a vast quantity of Mars Bars and gum.  
  
"Hey guys," said Clodo, "Where's Waddler?"  
  
"I just saw him heading off with some boff chick," said Ferry.  
  
"Yeah," said Jam, "Her name's Amwen."  
  
"Amwen?" asked Clodo, "That's the name of the boff who saved me from the Thingchavs! After you guys abandoned me." She glared at the others, who became very interested in their shoelaces.  
  
"Aye," said Kandalf, "Amwen got a text message from Waddler when you arrived at Weathervane. She knew the Thingchavs were waiting there, so she came out to rescue you."  
  
"Awwwww," said Clodo, Jam, Ferry and Albo.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Anyway..." said Jam, "She's the daughter of El Rondo. Apparently, he has a crush on her or something."  
  
"A crush?" said Kandalf disbelievingly, "Waddler has loved her from the day he met her, and she is prepared to give up going to university for him."  
  
"University?" said Ferry, "People don't go to university. It's over the road from Middle School."  
  
"All of the boffs are travelling there. It is the end of this school year. But Amwen is staying behind, to be with Waddler."  
  
"Awwwwww," said Clodo, Jam, Ferry and Albo.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Later Kandalf was walking with El Rondo.  
  
"Poor old Clodo," she said, "That Thing is heavy, and she had to carry it all the way from Fobbiton."  
  
"Kandalf," said El Rondo, "The Thing cannot stay here. Moron is omnolfacient. She can smell wherever the Thing is. You know of what I speak."  
  
Kandalf gasped. "The Schnozz of Moron!"  
  
"Aye," said El Rondo, "But Clodo will have to carry the Thing no longer. I'm having a sleepover tonight, and I have invited people from each school house. Tiramisu, of men; Giblet, of the bitches; Legless, of the boffs. We will decide then what is to be done."  
  
"Can we play Truth or Dare?"  
  
"Aye."  
  
And so the sleepover was prepared. Tiramisu, Giblet and Legless arrived, and all changed into their pyjamas. Clodo was invited, but Jam, Ferry and Alippin were not. They were very miffed about this. 


	15. The Sleepover of El Rondo

THANK YOU Lady Alehanra and Nurvilyarwen/ Pippi's M8/ Legolas' girlfriend/ Groovy chick/ Queen Frankie/ Betsy (hehehe, she had to play a prostitute in a musical!) for reviewing my last chapter!  
  
Lady Alehanra - I'm not too scared of chickens, considering I keep two of my own. In fact, I keep bantams, which are actually like hobbits - hardly anyone's heard of them, they're smaller and fatter than actual chickens, and they have feathers on their feet!!! I'VE ONLY JUST REALISED THAT!!!!  
  
By the way, Im a Brandybuck, I realise that Tiramisu is loads like Arwen in your baby story, but I actually wrote this before I read your story, so I wasn't deliberately using your idea.  
  
And everyone, read Im a Brandybuck's story, which is 'Lord of the Candy'. Its really funny!!!!! Hehehe....  
  
Chapter 15 - The Sleepover of El Rondo  
  
Clodo glanced around the crowded bedroom of El Rondo. It was filled by a bizarre assortment of people: there was Kandalf and Albo, who she knew already. There was a boff with long blonde hair, who Clodo thought was bizarre. It's bizarre how someone can be so hot, she thought. There was a girl, showing an extraordinary amount of midriff and leg, who was glancing at the boff a lot, and chatting on her mobile phone. There was also a very short bitch wearing motorcycle leathers, who looked like he had been hit in the face at least ten times. And of course there was El Rondo, the Head Boy of the elves.  
  
The sleepover began.  
  
"Welcome to my sleepover," said El Rondo. "I am very glad you could all come. Welcome Tiramisu."  
  
"Like, hey," said Tiramisu.  
  
"Welcome Kandalf."  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Welcome Legless. Welcome Giblet."  
  
"Hey, why did you say Legless first? Is it cos you don't like bitches? Are you racist?" shrieked Giblet.  
  
"Shut up you imbecile," said Legless.  
  
"Idiot."  
  
"Nose job."  
  
"High street shopper."  
  
"Bitch."  
  
"Boff."  
  
"ENOUGH, you two!" said Kandalf, "No arguing!"  
  
"But this is a debate," said Legless, rounding on Kandalf, "We're supposed to argue."  
  
"Besides, we weren't arguing," said Giblet, "we were discussing."  
  
"OK, no 'discussing'."  
  
"Then what's the point of a debate?"  
  
"Anyway..." said El Rondo loudly, "Welcome Begorn - Begorn?" He looked around. There was no sign of Waddler. Suddenly he burst through the door.  
  
"Sorry I'm late," he gasped, "I was - er..."  
  
"Don't bother," said Kandalf, "We know you were with Amwen. Welcome Waddler."  
  
"I'm supposed to say that," grumbled El Rondo, "Welcome Albo, finder of the Thing, and the one who stole it from Bellum's cave."  
  
"I didn't do it, no-one saw me do it, no-one can prove anything," said Albo nervously, eyes fixed on the various ways of escape.  
  
"And finally, welcome Clodo, Thingbearer."  
  
"Um... hello..." said Clodo nervously, wishing she hadn't worn her Barbie pyjamas.  
  
"We have come to discuss what colour hair Heath Ledger looks better with - blonde or brown," said El Rondo solemnly, "A difficult choice. We must discuss this for hours. If we have time we'll figure out what to do with the Thing of Power."  
  
"Brown," said Giblet.  
  
"Blonde," said Legless.  
  
"Teacher's pet."  
  
"No brain."  
  
"Mama's boy."  
  
"Twit."  
  
"Shut up," said El Rondo.  
  
"We must get our priorities right here," said Kandalf, "The Dark Forces are massing in Bordor. We must decide what to do with the Thing."  
  
"Bring forth the Thing, Clodo," said El Rondo.  
  
"Okey dokey," said Clodo, and went over to the Riverstour safety deposit box. Clodo pulled out Excalibur, the Holy Grail, the Golden Fleece, a glass slipper and the Philosopher's Stone.  
  
"Ah," she said, "Here it is." She stuffed everything else back in, and slammed the door shut.  
  
Tiramisu looked at it.  
  
"Like, funky man," she said, "Fondue could like, soooo use this. We, like, protect your lands from extra history homework - we keep it restricted to like one double lesson a week."  
  
"You really think that'll help?" said Waddler, "Would Moron care?"  
  
"Sod off, Waddler," said Tiramisu, "You don't know what you're like talking about."  
  
"Yeah he does," said Legless, "He's Waddler, son of Acorn. He's the heir to the throne of Fondue."  
  
"Yeah?" said Tiramisu, "And, like, that means what to me?"  
  
"It means," snapped Legless, "You won't become ruler, should he return."  
  
"Bitch," muttered Tiramisu.  
  
"Is that an insult?" asked Giblet.  
  
"Shut up," said Legless.  
  
"No!" said Giblet, "Why should I listen to you? You're just a boff."  
  
"Oh yeah?" said Legless, glaring.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Bring it!" They immediately got involved in a bitch fight, with much slapping and squealing.  
  
"Creep!"  
  
"Level 2 in KS3!"  
  
"Dumb ass!"  
  
"Enough," said El Rondo, separating them with his walking stick, "Tiramisu - Waddler is right. Moron doesn't give a fig if you have the Thing - it means she doesn't have to go so far to get it."  
  
"Like, OK, I get the point," grumbled Tiramisu.  
  
"Only in the Lost Property Cupboard at Mt. Waterflume in Bordor can the Thing be broken," said Kandalf solemnly.  
  
"Really?" said everyone.  
  
"Yeah," said Kandalf.  
  
"Bummer," said Clodo.  
  
"The Thing cannot remain in Riverstour. They do not have a Thing of Power licence," said Kandalf, "Someone must take the Thing to Bordor and cast the Thing back into the sweaty pile of hockey socks from whence it came!"  
  
"Icky," said Clodo. Kandalf sighed despairingly.  
  
"The bearer must be dim enough to not know what she's getting herself into, but smart enough to not die," said El Rondo, "They must be brave enough to go, and not so brave as to be reckless. They must be powerful as to survive, but not so powerful as to be noticeable. They must have a very small mind, so as not to be taken into the Thing's power."  
  
"Here ya go, Clodo," said Kandalf.  
  
"What?" said Clodo, "Why me?"  
  
"You're an ethnic minority," said El Rondo.  
  
"You must take the Thing of Power to Bordor, and cast it into the Lost Property Cupboard at the top of Mt. Waterflume. Once it is in there, it shall be lost forever," said Kandalf.  
  
"Beware, young fobbit," said El Rondo, "Izzybore was overcome by the power of the Thing. He was about to cast it into the pile of science overalls, but then realised he couldn't let it go. Do not put on the Thing, and keep it safe. The Thingchavs will return, but have been delayed - Micro scooters have gone out of fashion, they must find out what is now in fashion, and order nine off E-Bay. They will return in 6-8 weeks, or get their money back."  
  
"You are in great danger," said Kandalf, "I'll go with you."  
  
"But, like, the future King of men should go to," said Tiramisu.  
  
"And Tiramisu of the girls," said Waddler.  
  
"And Giblet of the bitches," said Legless.  
  
"And Legless of the boffs," said Giblet.  
  
"Goodness!" said El Rondo, "Anyone else want to go on this quest of great peril, of which they will probably die?"  
  
"Well, we didn't want to mention it..." said Jam. She, Ferry and Alippin poked their heads from under the sofa.  
  
"We wouldn't mind going," said Ferry.  
  
"Very well," said Kandalf, "You can carry the bags."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Yay!" said Ferry, "We're going to Bordor!"  
  
"See, Ferry?" said Jam, "Told you they'd let us come. You owe me a fiver."  
  
Ferry grumbled and handed it over.  
  
"Now," smiled El Rondo, "Where should we order from? Pizza Hut or Burger King?"  
  
"Burger has no king," shrieked Tiramisu, "Burger needs no king!"  
  
"Calm down," said El Rondo alarmed, "I said Burger, not Fondue. I know you don't want Waddler to return to Fondue and take the throne."  
  
"I'm right here," said Waddler.  
  
"But I must agree with you," said El Rondo, "He is a bit incompetent."  
  
"I'm still right here," said Waddler.  
  
"I know," sobbed Tiramisu, "I mean, he, like, chose the wild over the throne. I think he must be, like, a bit spastic."  
  
El Rondo nodded.  
  
"Can you people not see me?" shouted Waddler, very annoyed.  
  
"So..." interrupted Kandalf, "What should it be?"  
  
"Pizza Hut," said Giblet.  
  
"Burger King," said Legless.  
  
"Incompetent."  
  
"Incontinent."  
  
"Holier-than-thou."  
  
"Warthog."  
  
"Prissy pants."  
  
"I don't even want to imagine yours," said Legless.  
  
Thus the sleepover ended in a massive pillow fight. 


	16. Light sabres, piggybacks, and May the Fo...

Thanx for reviewing, Miss uots! Evil glares to the rest of you. Nah, just kidding.  
  
I know I haven't put another chapter up for a while, but I'm going to try and put one up a week. At the moment I'm concentrating on writing MORE stories (I have no social life) and they will appear soon!  
  
And also, it's a long story as to how Tiramisu got her name. First it was named after a girl in my class, called Tiffany (who used to be one of my best friends, but has now gone over to the Dark side) and was called Tiffomir. But I realised that if she found it, it would hurt her feelings, so I changed it to Tiromir. But that was just plain ODD (I'm not quite sure why that bothered me, as nearly everything I write IS) so it was then changed to Tiramisu! (Frankie's suggestion, by the way) Also, it fitted with Fondue, and what it's like in my story.  
  
OK, I'm gonna shut up now.  
Chapter 16 - Light sabres, piggybacks, and May the Force be with you  
  
Later that evening Amwen and Waddler went for a walk.  
  
"So you're leaving tomorrow?" asked Amwen sadly.  
  
"Yeah, sorry about that," said Waddler, "I'd rather do anything than leave you, but I feel it is my duty."  
  
"Ohhh..." said Amwen, "Make sure you come back. It's too late to send off my university application now."  
  
"I will come back," said Waddler, "I promise."  
  
"Goodie," said Amwen, "Look - this is for you." She handed him a light sabre.  
  
"Funky..." said Waddler, "The light sabre that cut the Thing from Moron. Clearasil. But it's out of battery!"  
  
"No," said Amwen, "I charged it up. You shall lead the people of Fondue to victory, with Clearasil leading the way!"  
  
"Ta," said Waddler, "I've got to go now, it's time for our tent building practice."  
  
"May the Force be with you," said Amwen, hugging him goodbye.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The next morning they set off from Riverstour. Before they left, Albo gave something to Clodo.  
  
It's my old light sabre," she said, "It's called Vwing. Made by the boffs when 'Return of the Jedi' came out. Says "Luke - use the Force" when Urks are close. Also take this," - she handed her a bullet-proof vest - "Hardly anything can penetrate it."  
  
"Thanks Albo," said Clodo, "I'll probably never see you again, as I will most probably die a horrible death on my journey of great peril, or will succumb to the power of the Thing."  
  
"Don't forget to eat your greens," said Albo cheerily.  
  
* * * * *  
  
As they left the valley, all of the boffs came out and began to sing the Fobbit National Anthem.  
  
"Fobbits are we, we, we, We like to eat, eat, eat, We live in holes, holes, holes, And have furry feet, feet, feet.  
  
We leave what we can until tomorrow, Working always brings us sorrow, If we have nothing at all to do, We find something we can chew.  
  
Fobbits are we, we, we, We like to eat, eat, eat, We live in holes, holes, holes, And have furry feet, feet, feet.  
  
People say that it's extraordinary, The lack of us who have a coronary, We are happy, jolly and merry, We have a rhyming dictionary.  
  
Fobbits are we, we, we, We like to eat, eat, eat, We live in holes, holes, holes, And have furry feet, feet, feet."  
  
Ferry wiped a tear from her eye as they went around the corner, and Kandalf's shoulders were shaking, but no-one could tell whether she was crying or laughing.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Where are we going, Kandalf?" asked Ferry.  
  
"We're going to the Gap of Terry Wogan," said Kandalf, fishing out some chocolate to shut her up, "Through there we will go into the land of Wogan, and then onto Bordor."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
They travelled for many hours, and covered five miles.  
  
"At this rate, the world will be destroyed and Mrs Holloway will be letting us wear necklaces before we get to the Gap of Terry Wogan," said Waddler, sitting down and pulling out his mobile phone to text Amwen.  
  
"We must do something to speed us up," said Giblet.  
  
"We could leave you behind," said Legless.  
  
"Twit."  
  
"Moron."  
  
"Concealer."  
  
"Plastic surgery."  
  
"ZIP IT!" shouted Kandalf, "This is getting us nowhere."  
  
"Is that Thing, like, too heavy for you Clodo?" said Tiramisu, "Maybe I should, like, take it."  
  
"I'm good," said Clodo. She was worried by the look in Tiramisu's eyes. She seemed to be either wanting the Thing of Power, or seeing a makeup counter.  
  
"There is only one possible solution," said Ferry.  
  
Soon they made great progress. The Gap of Terry Wogan was in sight, as was the Topshop of Terry Wogan, and the Harvey Nicks of Terry Wogan.  
  
"Comfortable, Clodo?" asked Waddler.  
  
"Yeah," she said, who was clinging onto his back, "Great idea to make them give us piggybacks, Ferry."  
  
"Yes, oh wise one, we grovel in the dust," said Jam, who was on Legless.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin, who was on Tiramisu. Tiramisu had been very grumpy to allow a fobbit on her back, but grudgingly agreed if Alippin would braid her hair as they walked.  
  
"Are we nearly there yet?" asked Ferry, who was on Giblet's back.  
  
"Oh, I'M sorry, are you getting tired?!?!" asked Giblet.  
  
"Stop complaining, idiot," said Legless.  
  
"Twit."  
  
"Mascara goop."  
  
"Too much blusher."  
  
"Halitosis."  
  
"Incontinence."  
  
"SHUT UP!" shouted Kandalf.  
  
Legless and Giblet were immediately quiet, but grumbled for the rest of the way, until Jam hit Legless on the head because she was trying to sleep. 


	17. Butterflies, Escalas and Kandalf's exboy...

Okay, I was bored, so I stuck up another chapter....  
  
By the way everyone, this chapter is dedicated to Frankie, aka Pippy's mate, Legolas' girlfriend, Queen Frankie, Nurvilyarwen, Betsy and Frazzy Osbourne. She isn't very well... all together now, AWWWWWW!!!!!  
  
Get well soon Frankie! And everyone read her stories, she's called Nurvilyarwen of Imladris - they're really funny, much funnier than this asinine scoria... (That means idiotic rubbish... isn't Microsoft Thesaurus just fab?)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own nothing. And since I own nothing, I own no intelligence, so I don't even recognise that as a double negative. I'm so tragic... *sniff*  
  
Chapter 17 - Butterflies, Escalas, and Kandalf's ex-boyfriend  
  
They finally arrived at the Gap of Terry Wogan, where they set up camp.  
  
"Why are we stopping?" asked Ferry, dismounting Giblet, "I'm not tired."  
  
"Yeah, we haven't been travelling for very long," said Jam.  
  
"That's because you were asleep!" said Legless.  
  
"Hey, don't yell at the fobbit, stupid," said Giblet.  
  
"Cretin."  
  
"Big nose."  
  
"Small brain."  
  
"OK, break it up, break it up," said Kandalf.  
  
As they ate Pot Noodles, they suddenly saw a massive swarm of crows fly overhead. They were a thick cloud, which blocked out the sun, and flew in the shape of a great eye. They circled the group three times, then flew away in the direction of Bordor.  
  
"Um, Kandalf?" said Clodo, "Shouldn't we be worried about them?"  
  
"Yeah right, Moron's going to be that obvious," said Kandalf. Suddenly a butterfly landed on a leaf near Alippin.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"AAAAAAHHH!" screamed Kandalf, "FLUTTERBY FROM DOPELAND!"  
  
"Hide!" shrieked Legless.  
  
"Did you just SHRIEK?" said Giblet, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Shut up simpleton-"  
  
"OK, we don't have time for this..." said Kandalf, grabbing Jam and Clodo around the waists and diving underneath a rock. The others followed suit, apart from Giblet, who thought they were playing hide-and-seek.  
  
"Hey no fair! I ALWAYS have to look!" he grumbled, "Somebody else look!"  
  
"Giblet!" hissed Legless, "Get your 200 pound ass under this rock!"  
  
"Why?" said Giblet.  
  
"It is a spy of Moron," said Kandalf, "We cannot continue this way."  
  
"Why?" moaned Jam.  
  
"Because it is being watched." Kandalf glared at the butterfly. The butterfly blinked innocently. Yes, blinked.  
  
"I didn't know butterflies could blink," said Ferry, looking confused, "I wonder whether it's in my I-Spy book... ooooh, it IS! And its worth 15 points!"  
  
"It doesn't matter," said Kandalf, "We must go another way."  
  
"Is the other way, like, longer?" asked Tiramisu.  
  
"Aye." All of the fobbits grumbled, as did Legless, Giblet, Waddler and Tiramisu, because they soon expected to be mounted. "We must go up the mountain of Escalas. It is a long and arduous trek."  
  
"Booooo," said Clodo.  
  
They began up the mountain. Luckily they found a bizarre staircase that moved upwards, and sat down on it as they went up.  
  
"Where do we go after this?" asked Jam.  
  
"Will we be at Bordor?" asked Ferry hopefully.  
  
"No!" said Kandalf, "We still have AGES to go."  
  
"Booooo," said Jam. Suddenly they heard 'Bing bong! Hello shoppers at Escalas Mall.'  
  
"Where's that coming from?" asked Clodo.  
  
"Escalas mall is, like, at the top of the mountain," said Tiramisu immediately.  
  
"You answered very quickly," said Clodo.  
  
"Well, it's kinda like your mother ship, ain't it, Tiramisu," smirked Waddler.  
  
"Shut up," said Tiramisu.  
  
"You shut up," said Waddler.  
  
"Shut up," said Legless.  
  
"That makes a nice change," said Jam.  
  
"Shut UP," said Giblet.  
  
The announcement continued.  
  
'There is a sale on at New Look at the bottom of Escalas for the next five minutes - 99% off. 99.5% if you're among the first ten people to arrive!'  
  
"It's Sarumeanie!" screamed Kandalf, "He's trying to bring down the shoppers!"  
  
"We must turn back," said Waddler, "We'll never get through."  
  
"But we must try!" said Kandalf, "There is no other way."  
  
"Why not go through the Toilets of Toria? That would be easier," said Giblet.  
  
"You don't talk back to a witch, dumbo," said Legless.  
  
"Thick boy."  
  
"Hillbilly."  
  
"Tree Hugger."  
  
"SHUT UP!" said Kandalf, "We cannot go through the Toilets of Toria."  
  
"Why?" asked Clodo, Jam, Ferry, Tiramisu, Waddler, Giblet and Legless.  
  
"Because." Suddenly a massive rumbling echoed around Escalas.  
  
"It's the shoppers," said Waddler, "We have to get off the mountain."  
  
"Fine," sulked Kandalf. They turned and ran down the stairs. They only just got off them when a tidal wave of shoppers flowed down. When they looked up to the top with the '20p for a go' telescope, they could see yet more shoppers coming.  
  
"We must, like, go through the Toilets of Toria," said Tiramisu.  
  
"I don't want to," moaned Kandalf.  
  
"Maybe we shouldn't. Kandalf is nearly always right," said Clodo.  
  
"It's, like, shorter that way," said Tiramisu.  
  
"What are we waiting for?" asked Clodo.  
  
"Kandalf?" asked Ferry, "Are you OK?"  
  
"No," said Kandalf, "I'm sulking."  
  
"Why?" she asked.  
  
Kandalf waited until the others drew ahead.  
  
"Because something terrible lives in those toilets. The bitches used the toilets too much, and threw much make up down them, but didn't flush them. The waste piled too deep, and awoke a monster which dwells in the deepest, grossest places - the Juvrog."  
  
"How do you know this?" she asked.  
  
"Old boyfriend," said Kandalf, "He blocks the toilets, and creates a terrible odour. He was the reason of the mass death there - several bitches passed out, and were killed in the stampede to escape the tidal wave of methane."  
  
Ferry shuddered.  
  
"And it was all your fault," said Legless, "Just cos you didn't flush the chain."  
  
"Shut up, last season shoes."  
  
"Charity bin."  
  
"Quasimodo."  
  
"Esmerelda."  
  
"Fatty."  
  
"Stick Insect."  
  
"Shut UP!" said Kandalf. 


	18. The Toilets of Toria

OK, I know this chapter is really long, but the action just keeps on comin'! I couldn't find a suitable place to end it, so I just kept on going.  
  
Thanks to Miss uots and Im a Brandybuck for reviews. ALSO thanks to Im a Brandybuck for e-mailing me! It was very nice of her.  
  
Do you people think I don't like reviews? I get hardly any other e-mails. It brightens up my day. Please R+R, you'll make me happy, which will make Ferry and Alippin happy, cos when i'm happy I buy them things.  
  
Not Things of Power. Just stuff.  
  
OK, just read the damn chapter...  
  
Chapter 18 - The Toilets of Toria  
  
They reached the toilets of Toria. On the doors were the symbols of what looked like a triangle with a head and legs, and a blob with a head and legs.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"The symbols of my people," said Giblet.  
  
"Weird people," said Legless.  
  
"Yours are weirder, Goldilocks," said Giblet.  
  
"Little Miss Muffet."  
  
"Nerd."  
  
"IQ of 30."  
  
"HEY!" said Giblet, "My IQ's 45."  
  
"Point taken," smirked Legless.  
  
"We go this way," said Kandalf, pointing towards the triangle with legs.  
  
"Oh no!" moaned Giblet.  
  
"What now?" asked Tiramisu.  
  
"That's the girls area," he mumbled.  
  
"So? That shouldn't be a problem for you," said Legless.  
  
"Shut up, fobbit!" said Giblet. Everyone gasped. Kandalf hit Giblet over the head with her staff.  
  
"That," said Kandalf, "Is the worse insult ever."  
  
"Hey!" said Clodo, Jam and Ferry.  
  
"Sorry guys," said Kandalf, "But out there in the big wide school, it's true."  
  
"Yeah, but still..." grumbled Ferry.  
  
"Come on," said Clodo. They went through, and were immediately hit with a foul odour.  
  
"Ewwww," said Clodo, "What the hell is that?"  
  
"Tis the smell of a real public toilet," said Giblet proudly. Only Tiramisu appeared unaffected.  
  
"Why aren't du affecded?" asked Waddler, who was handing out clothes pegs.  
  
"Like, years at the perfume testers," said Tiramisu sadly, "Has, like, rid me of my sense of smell."  
  
"Lucky ding," muttered Clodo.  
  
Meanwhile Kandalf stooped over a skeleton's mobile phone.  
  
"Dats a 3210," said Giblet, "Dese are dens of dears old."  
  
Kandalf read it.  
  
"'De smell is ovrwelmng. Cnt gt out, grls fleeing. TTFN.' Bery sad," she sighed. They continued in, and soon got used to the smell, and so could get rid of the clothes pegs.  
  
After a while they stopped to rest. Alippin became interested in a hand dryer, and turned it on. It immediately emitted a loud roaring, and after it stopped, they heard sounds of footsteps nearby.  
  
"What's that?" asked Waddler. Suddenly they heard 'Luke - use the Force. Luke - use the Force. Luke - use the Force...'  
  
"Urks!" shouted Jam.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin in fear.  
  
All drew their light sabres, Clodo's still going 'Luke - use the Force. Luke - use the Force...' They waited for the Urks to arrive. And waited. And waited.  
  
"Clodo, how close do Urks need to be for that annoying light sabre to go off?" asked Ferry.  
  
Clodo looked at the handle. 'Detects Urks up to 500 kms'.  
  
"500 kms?" moaned Tiramisu. "Like, let's go." Suddenly Urks burst through the door.  
  
"Beef and blackcurrant bouillabaisse," breathed Clodo, "RUN!"  
  
"Make for the Toilet of Badda - Boom!" shouted Kandalf.  
  
They ran as fast as they could down the infinitely long row of cubicles. They saw urks pouring out of the U-bends, the cracks in the floor, and out of thin air, for some bizarre reason. Before they could reach the end they were completely surrounded by Urks.  
  
Jam thought the end was near.  
  
"The end is near!" she screamed.  
  
"Too right," said Giblet.  
  
"Stop being so negative," said Legless.  
  
"Wart."  
  
"Ulcer."  
  
"Lanky locks."  
  
"Complete twit."  
  
"Shut up," said Kandalf, and all were plunged into battle.  
  
It was all going OK, considering the fobbits apart from Clodo had very low quality light sabres purchased on E-Bay before they left. But Jam didn't like using a light sabre; she preferred the frying pan. But right in the middle of battle, El Monstro Urko showed up. He was the Big Daddio of the urks of Toria.  
  
"Aieee! It's El Monstro Urko!" cried Kandalf, "The Big Daddio of the urks of Toria!"  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"No, it's not cool-" began Kandalf. But at that moment, Clodo charged at El Monstro Urko, and was stabbed. Very hard.  
  
"Owie," she moaned, and collapsed.  
  
"Oh my God, they killed Clodo!" cried Jam.  
  
"You b**tards!" added Ferry, and ripped the Thing from Clodo. She whipped it towards El Monstro Urko like a Chinese throwing star, and it embedded itself in its forehead.  
  
"D'oh," said the urk, and collapsed, crushing a large quantity of urks.  
  
"Good one Ferry!" cheered everyone (except Clodo and Alippin, of course.)  
  
"How did you do that?" asked Jam.  
  
"Oh, just watching Jackie Chan movies," said Ferry, retrieving it and hanging it round Clodo's neck again, "You just have to get the angle, force and rotations per second right. No biggie."  
  
"Okey doke," said Tiramisu.  
  
Suddenly there was the sound of a toilet flushing. All of the urks left, who hadn't been squashed, ran in fear.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
Everyone ran over to Clodo.  
  
"Poor fobbit," sighed Giblet, "It achieved so little. What a meaningless life."  
  
There was a silence.  
  
"Bagsy her bank card!" said Ferry.  
  
"Hey, no fair!" said Jam, "Fine, then I get her CDs."  
  
"Quit fighting over her belongings!" said Giblet, "She has just died. And I should get her CDs."  
  
"Hold the funeral, toilet breath," said Clodo, and sat up.  
  
"Toilet breath?!" spluttered Giblet.  
  
"She's got a point," said Legless.  
  
"Oh yeah?" growled Giblet, "You ain't so minty fresh yourself."  
  
"Shut up," said Kandalf.  
  
"Ah well, everything's back to normal," sighed Ferry.  
  
"Apart from the fact we're travelling to Bordor," pointed out Jam.  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"To save the world."  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"And there's an absolutely pongy massive monster heading this way," said Jam, pointing down the row of cubicles.  
  
"Oh yeah," said Ferry.  
  
"It's the Juvrog!" shouted Kandalf, "Run!"  
  
"Don't you get tired of saying that?" asked Ferry.  
  
"SHUT UP FERRY!" everyone shouted. As they neared the Toilet of Badda - Boom, Kandalf turned, and stood on the U-bend. Still following them was the Juvrog, a monster too ugly to be described, so I'm not even going to bother trying.  
  
"I'm a member of the Harry Potter club," said Kandalf, "And bearer of the secret of why glue doesn't stick inside to the inside of the tube-"  
  
Clodo looked at her curiously.  
  
"-I'll tell you later - and I refuse to let you pass." The Juvrog snarled and belched (and worse).  
  
"I hereby ban you from these toilets, as a member of the Sanitation Commission, and an old girlfriend," said Kandalf, "YOU CANNOT PASS!" The Juvrog got really mad, and stomped towards Kandalf. Just as he reached the toilet seat, Kandalf pulled the chain. The Juvrog was sucked into the toilet.  
  
"Cool!" said Alippin.  
  
Meanwhile, Kandalf was doing a little victory 'go me' dance. Pity she didn't notice the toilet was disintegrating beneath her feet.  
  
"Uh-oh," she said, and was sucked into the pipe. Her cursing echoed around the Toilets. Ferry covered Jam's ears.  
  
"KANDALF!" screamed Clodo, "NOOOO!!"  
  
"Cool," sobbed Alippin.  
  
"Let's skedaddle, bwana" said Waddler, and threw Clodo over his shoulder. 


	19. Lothloreal

Howdy! Back from Mallorca I am! Talking like Yoda as well I am. Very irritating it must be. For the reviews thankies. Very koolies they are. Annoying you I probably am. Hmmm....  
  
By the way, Dimitri is this guy me and my friends met when we went to Greece in October, and Kay - she will appear in 'The Two Towers', when I put that up - persuaded me to try and fit him in somewhere. And I promise you, nearly everything he says, he actually said in real life. And his character is not exaggerated one bit. *shudder*  
  
OK, you're probably wondering what the hell I'm going on about, so you'll have to read and see, won't you! Hee hee hee!  
  
Chapter 19 - Lothloreal  
  
They ran out of the Toilets of Toria, as Urks poked their heads out from the cubicles. As they walked over the plains, the fobbits sobbed and wailed and sniffled.  
  
"What's up, guys? Hormones?" asked Legless sympathetically.  
  
"NO! Kandalf's gone! She helped me cheat on my SATs! She bought me my first chocolate bar! And now she's gone! Sucked into a U-bend!" wailed Clodo.  
  
"Cool," wailed Alippin.  
  
"That was 10 minutes ago, man," said Giblet, "Get a hold of yourself."  
  
"You bitches, you're incapable of emotion," sighed Legless.  
  
"Yoda face."  
  
"Darth Vader breath."  
  
"Barbie stilettos."  
  
"Army boots."  
  
They went on like this for a while, until Legless said "Isn't anyone going to stop us?"  
  
"Like, who can?" asked Tiramisu, "Kandalf's, like, gone."  
  
"Oh yeah," said Giblet, "Weasel."  
  
"Stoat."  
  
"Monkey face."  
  
"Gibbon breath."  
  
"Someone's got to stop them!" said Ferry despairingly, "Waddler - you are hereby appointed Giblet-and-Legless-argument-or-name-calling-stopper."  
  
"That's a tougher quest than yours, Clodo," said Jam.  
  
"Where are we going?" asked Ferry.  
  
"Lothloreal!" said Waddler, "A forest nearby - home of yet more boffs."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Yay!" said Legless.  
  
"Hee hee hee," said Ferry gleefully, rubbing her hands together.  
  
"Booooo," moaned Giblet.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean, lobscouse?" said Legless.  
  
"Quakebuttock."  
  
"Hair brain."  
  
"Pot belly."  
  
"Sandwich short of a picnic."  
  
"Picnic short of a picnic."  
  
"SHUT UP!" shouted Waddler.  
  
"Oooooh, you're good at that," said Clodo.  
  
* * * * *  
  
They continued on their path, and soon saw a big sign saying 'Center Parcs Lothloreal'. It was a massive forest, with trees of every kind. There were beech trees, beach trees, palm trees, hand trees, willow trees who looked kinda bummed out, and many others. Jam was slightly saddened to not see the rubber plants with feet. Inside the forest they saw many boff families on bicycles, all with cheery smiles on their faces.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
They went into the main building, and walked up to the information desk.  
  
"Hello!" said a female boff behind the counter cheerfully, "Welcome to Center Parcs Lothloreal. We have plenty of rooms, lots of boffs are leaving to go to university-"  
  
"No, we don't want a room," interrupted Waddler, "We want to see..." He trailed off.  
  
"JAM!" cried Ferry, "I wish you wouldn't do that!"  
  
"No, no!" cried Waddler, "I was pausing for dramatic effect! We want to see...Naladriel."  
  
"Oooooooh," everyone said.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Oooooooh...who's she?" said Jam.  
  
"Naladriel?" said Legless, "Duh! She is the Queen of the Boffs, a bearer of a Thing of Power. She found this place on a field trip, and began the long arduous trek of building 300 villas-"  
  
"OK, nose job, we weren't asking for her life story," grumbled Giblet.  
  
"Fake eyelashes."  
  
"Creep."  
  
"Weirdo."  
  
"Teacher's pet."  
  
"Mama's boy."  
  
"NO FIGHTNG IN LOTHLOREAL!!!!" bellowed the clerk.  
  
"Ooooh, she's better at it than you, Waddler," said Clodo.  
  
"Anyway..." - the clerk's face switched back to its sunny smile - "who are you? Is she expecting you?"  
  
"Nay," said Waddler, "But we are on a quest, and she will want to help us."  
  
"Are you unblocking the toilet in villa 279?"  
  
"No," said Clodo, "We are on a journey to destroy the Thing of Pow--" Waddler clapped a hand over her mouth.  
  
"Like, its none of your business," said Tiramisu, "Can we just, like, see her?"  
  
The clerk glared at her. "No," she said.  
  
"Dude, not cool," said Ferry.  
  
"Look," said Waddler, "You are such a beautiful lady, and you do your job ever so well...it would be so sad if we couldn't see Naladriel..."  
  
"Oh, all right, you old charmer," she giggled, and winked at Waddler. The others shuddered. "You may enter..."  
  
"JAM, quit it!" shouted Clodo.  
  
"I was pausing for dramatic...oh, never mind. You may enter...the pod!" She pressed a button, and the wall opened, revealing a pod with eight seats in it.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
As they walked in, they heard "Please keep your arms and legs inside the pod... mind the gap... lifejackets are underneath your seats... do not ride in this pod if you have heart or back problems..." As soon as they were strapped in, the pod shot off down the tunnel, accompanied by the Mission Impossible music. Finally it shot through another wall, landing in front of two boffs. They stepped out - ('Mind the gap... please take small children by the hand...we hope you have had a pleasant journey... ') - and assembled in front of them.  
  
"Welcome guys," said the male boff, "My name's Dimitri, and now that you've entered Lothloreal, there are a few rules. No flash photography, it dries out our skin, and if you want to take photos, make sure you get my best side. No visiting each others villas after midnight, unless of course - hahaha- you're visiting mine." He winked at Jam, who stared at him, flexing her fingers. "Pool hours are between 9 and 5. Then it shuts, because all the boffs are getting ready for dinner. It opens again at 9, which is a coupla hours after dinner, cos you shouldn't swim right after you eat. You think you can follow these rules?"  
  
"Yes," said Clodo.  
  
"Get on with it," said Jam.  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"That's great guys," said Dimitri, "Group hug everybody!" He took two steps forward, then collapsed.  
  
"I am grateful, young one," said Naladriel, smiling at Jam, "That doesn't half get inauspicious."  
  
"Y'wha?" said the fobbits.  
  
"Never mind. Anyway, welcome to Lothloreal. Some of you I am acquainted with-" she smiled at Waddler.  
  
"He gets around, doesn't he!" whispered Ferry to Jam.  
  
"-and with some of you I do not have that pleasure. Which of thee ist the Thingbearer?"  
  
"H-how did you know about that?" asked Clodo.  
  
"I have my ways, Clodo Leggings," she said.  
  
"Oh, OK," she said.  
  
Suddenly Jam said "Hey - wait a minute - how did you know her name?"  
  
"I informed you, Jamwise Jimjams, I have my ways!"  
  
"Oh, OK," she said.  
  
Suddenly Ferry shouted "Hey-"  
  
"Silence, Ferry Luckyberry," said Naladriel, "If you, Alippin Foot, Tiramisu, Begorn, Legless and Giblet all inquire that, we shall be here for an attenuated time!"  
  
"Sorry," said Ferry quietly, "Do you want my last rolo?"  
  
Everyone gasped at the generosity of Ferry's gift.  
  
"I thank you, Ferry Luckyberry," smiled Naladriel, "Thou art a generous, kindly, virtuous fobbit."  
  
"Aw, shucks," said Ferry.  
  
"What the hell is art?" said Clodo.  
  
"Duh, drawing and stuff," said Jam.  
  
"Duh, I know that," said Clodo.  
  
"Duh, I was joking," said Jam.  
  
"Silence," said Naladriel, "Please. Anyway-" she turned to Clodo, "You bear the Thing, Clodo. Even though that is a noble deed, I see it causes you great distress. Thou art developing Athlete's Foot. Here is a gift to make it up - a £1 phone voucher."  
  
"Cool!" said Alippin.  
  
"You are permitted to go to your villas," said Naladriel, "Re-enter the pod- " she pressed the button, "-oh codswallop, it's not functioning. Just depart through that door."  
  
Clodo curiously went through the door, and was amazed to be back in the reception area.  
  
"What's the point of the pod?" she asked Naladriel.  
  
"If I am occupied, I can just send them round and round in circles until I am no longer engaged."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin.  
  
"Run," shrieked Ferry, "Dimitri's waking up!" Everyone ran screaming for the door. Including Naladriel. 


	20. Goldfish bowls, pedalos and doing the Ma...

Hey hey! Thanx for the reviews. Please check out my 2 new stories as well, The Forbidden Ring and The Road to Gondor. Many of you will be shocked the The Road to Gondor is not insane. I know, I was pretty scared too...  
  
Please R+R this chappie! My God, its nearly finished! CANNOT WAIT TO PUT UP NEXT CHAPTER!!!!  
  
Chapter 20 - Goldfish bowls, pedalos and doing the Macarena  
  
Later that night, Clodo went back to see Naladriel with Jam. She went through the back door to her office.  
  
"Utilize the pod - oh, it is you, Clodo," said Naladriel, "What do you require?"  
  
"Advice," she said, "Tiramisu looks at me really strangely - I fear that she is constipated."  
  
"Oh," said Naladriel, "Allay your fears, young fobbit. All she wishes to do is slay you and claim the Thing of Power as her own to defend Fondue from the onslaught of Bordor."  
  
"Oh, good," said Clodo, "Hey, wait a minute!"  
  
"Do you wish to gaze into my goldfish bowl?" asked Naladriel.  
  
"Okey doke," said Clodo, "What'll I see?"  
  
Jam rolled her eyes. "Clodo, its a GOLDFISH BOWL. Ergo, you will see a GOLDFISH."  
  
"Oh yeah," said Clodo, "I've been on this quest way too long."  
  
"Nay, young fobbit," said Naladriel, "Thou won't only see Bubbles."  
  
"Bubbles?"  
  
"My goldfish."  
  
"Oh. What else will we see?"  
  
"...Stuff."  
  
"What sorta stuff?" asked Clodo.  
  
"It is likely thou shalt behold something about the Mire - I can see you meditate on that."  
  
"Oh." Clodo looked in. The goldfish looked up and blinked at Clodo. Suddenly the bowl became cloudy, and she saw in the fog the Mire bursting with life. Fobbits were dancing in the streets. It even seemed that it wasn't as boggy as usual.  
  
"This is what'll happen?" asked Clodo with wonder.  
  
"What am I, a mindreader?" asked Naladriel irritably.  
  
"Yes," said Jam.  
  
"It was a rhetorical question, Jam," said Naladriel, "Your turn to view the contents."  
  
Jam looked in and saw herself becoming famous and rich. She cheered.  
  
"Noooo...the mirror is a liar! The Mire will be destroyed!" shrieked Clodo, and she ran out the door.  
  
"That's nice," grumbled Jam.  
  
"Do not worry Jam," said Naladriel kindly, "All that is shown in the mirror can become true."  
  
"Goodie," said Jam.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The next day they set off from Lothloreal on pedalos. Before they left, Naladriel handed them gifts. She gave them all camouflage jackets ("They are fashionable right now.") She also gave them all a packet of Pringles ("Once thou pops, one cannot stop.") She then handed Clodo a Glow-in-the- Dark star. "You can never have too many glow-in-the-dark stars," she said, and waved them from the shore.  
  
"Nice lady," said Jam.  
  
"Yeah..." sighed Waddler.  
  
"Oh Waddler, do you, like, like her as well as Amwen?" asked Tiramisu.  
  
"NO WAY!" said Waddler, "She's Amwen's grandmother!"  
  
"Oh," said everyone, "Ewwwww."  
  
"Cool," said Alippin. They continued down the river. Clodo felt very exposed. It seemed every telescope pointed at her, arrow aimed at her head, and patrolling army of urks were servants of Moron. Maybe she was being paranoid.  
  
They travelled for many days down the river. Clodo noticed that Tiramisu was staring at her more and more often, but according to Jam she didn't have anything caught in her teeth. Also, there were many logs in the river, which they had to steer around. Clodo noticed one that was bright yellow, and had arms, legs, a head, and smelt of Chinese food. Maybe it was a relation of the rubber plant in Free.  
  
One morning, they rounded a corner and saw two large statues ahead.  
  
"Tis Izzybore and his father," said Waddler proudly, "Doing their favourite dance."  
  
"They're doing the Macarena," pointed out Giblet.  
  
"Your point being?"  
  
"Nothing," he smirked.  
  
"Don't mock people's culture, pea brain, just because yours have none," said Legless.  
  
"Head + Shoulders worshipper."  
  
"Heathen."  
  
"Nancy boy."  
  
"Concealer."  
  
"Blusher."  
  
"Shut up," said Waddler.  
  
"OK," said Legless and Giblet. 


	21. Tiramisu, like, goes byebye

Oh my god! Its finished! Thankies to everyone for reviewing! Especially to miss uots, who's reviewed nearly every single one of my chapters! And also, please read MK's 'Dating Disasters', COS I'M IN IT!!!! Super koolies of her! Even though my name is Holly, but anyway..  
  
Chapter 21 - Tiramisu, like, goes bye-bye  
  
They landed their pedalos just beyond the statues for a sight-seeing stop, and Clodo went off for a walk. Once she was far away, she suddenly saw Tiramisu behind her.  
  
"What do you want?" asked Clodo.  
  
"Like, the strength to defend Fondue and like override the threat of Bordor and a cool accessory for discos!" she cried.  
  
Clodo looked blank.  
  
"The Thing of Power," said Tiramisu.  
  
"No!" said Clodo.  
  
"Like, give it to me!" cried Tiramisu, trying to take it.  
  
"No, it's mine!" she cried, and ran back to the boats.  
  
"What's going on?" asked Waddler, clutching postcards.  
  
"Like, nothing," said Tiramisu.  
  
"Yes there is," said Clodo. She was about to explain, when she heard 'Luke - use the Force. Luke - use the Force.'  
  
"Urks!" said Legless, dropping his snow dome in alarm.  
  
"Don't worry, they're still 500kms away," said Ferry.  
  
"No they're not!" said Clodo, "I altered the range, because if I didn't it would still be going off from the Toilets of Toria. Now it goes off if they're within 10m-"  
  
She was cut off by Urks bursting through the trees. Clodo, immediately realising what she had to do, ran off towards the pedalos, grabbing the chocolate on the way.  
  
Meanwhile, the head Urk stepped forward.  
  
"Any fobbits here?" it asked.  
  
Everyone pointed at Jam, Ferry and Alippin.  
  
"That was easy," said the Head Urk, and three Urks rushed forward to grab them.  
  
"Like, not so fast!" said Tiramisu. She fired an arrow, which bounced off an Urks helmet and hit her.  
  
"Like, ow!" she said and fell to the ground. Waddler rushed forward. Jam, realising Clodo had gone, ran to the pedalos in the confusion, while Legless, Giblet, Ferry and Alippin kept the urks at bay.  
  
"I'm, like, all right," she said, sitting up, "I like always keep my metal makeup case here - oh damn, I must have, like, lost it." With that she collapsed.  
  
Meanwhile the Urks had grabbed Ferry and Alippin, and were running off with them.  
  
"Ciao," said the head Urk, and ran after them.  
  
Waddler sighed, and turned to Giblet. Suddenly Giblet was shot with an arrow. Waddler turned and saw Legless with his bow raised.  
  
"Sorry," said Legless, looking innocent, "Thought it was an urk. Easy mistake to make."  
  
"I'm OK!" said Giblet, "I've got Tiramisu's makeup case right here." He pulled it out, and they saw a large dent in it.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Miss Clodo!" cried Jam in despair, as she saw Clodo cast off from the shore, "Clooooodooooo!"  
  
"Go back, Jam!" said Clodo, "There's not enough chocolate for both of us! I mean, you can't come to Bordor. I don't want to get my friends into trouble. Ferry and Alippin need you."  
  
"Yeah, that's really sweet," said Jam, "But I wanna come with! You need me more. You're the one trying to save the world! I'd rather drown than not come!" With that, she started to swim out to the pedalo.  
  
"Jam, just go back!"  
  
"Glub glub glub."  
  
"Oh, you meant it." Clodo turned the pedalo round (with more than a little difficulty) and fished Jam out of the water. "FINE, you can come."  
  
"Ta, Miss Clodo," said Jam happily.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Begorn, Legless and Giblet put Tiramisu into one of the pedalos, along with her makeup and light sabre. Giblet had wanted to put Legless in the pedalo as well, as a 'human sacrifice', but Waddler refused. They pushed it towards the waterfall. As it went over the edge, all of the mascara bottles flew out of it.  
  
"A beautiful sight," said Giblet.  
  
"Are we going home now?" asked Legless.  
  
"No," said Waddler, "We are going after Ferry and Alippin, to rescue them."  
  
Giblet and Legless grumbled, but followed him.  
  
The End? No way! I'll be back soon with 'The Two Glowers'. I've just gotta edit it slightly; when I wrote it, I hadn't seen the film, and I try to make it halfway between the book and the film. I'll be back with deleted scenes soon, though! Bye bye! Or should I say 'till I see you again'? No, Namarie sounds kooliest! 


End file.
